Your Horoscopes — Week Of December 3, 2013

HoroscopeEntertainment ISSUE 49•49 Dec 3, 2013
  • Aries The throbbing inside your skull will finally come to a stop this week, signaling the end of the Trematode's gestation period.
  • Taurus The stars foresee a second job promotion in the days to come, though they should probably be telling Dave about it instead of you.
  • Gemini You'll soon possess the courage of 10 men, and the sexually transmitted diseases of about 50.
  • Cancer The hounds of hell will be at your door this week, clawing furiously to be let out and use the bathroom.
  • Leo Despite the offer of a brand new car, an all-expense-paid trip to Greece, and a four-piece living room set, you'll once again go for the box with the question mark on it.
  • Virgo You'll die a little bit on the inside this week, and a whole heck of a lot on the outside.
  • Libra It'll be a nuisance wearing the Nielsen box on your head all week, but at least you'll find out that your viewership goes up when you're fighting or having sex.
  • Scorpio Everyone wants to live forever, but in your case it would just mean more time being chased by an angry swarm of bees.
  • Sagittarius Your extremely trying week will not be improved by your decision to deal with all problems by leaning on the horn.
  • Capricorn Nobody likes a know-it-all, but then, you probably knew that already, you smug jerk.
  • Aquarius You should have more folding chairs around. If wrestlers come over and can't find one, they'll use something else.
  • Pisces Success is often difficult to define, though for you, it pretty much boils down to filling that cup with clean urine.