• Aries Sleep will continue to elude you this week, so keep binging on coffee and amphetamines until you have enough energy to catch it.
  • Taurus You're not the sort of person who panics easily, which will keep you from getting on TV following next week's volcano disaster.
  • Gemini You're finally ready to put the entire sordid incident behind you, but it's getting another 50,000 YouTube hits a day.
  • Cancer TMitochondria are passed on through the mother, which is probably why your cells don't understand what you do for a living and are wondering when you'll meet somebody special.
  • Leo Remember, only you can make yourself feel bad, but it's important to let people know how much you appreciate their help with it.
  • Virgo It's cute to get a note asking "Do you like me?" including two boxes to check, but the White House stationery makes it a little disturbing.
  • Libra You'll be called in for the 20th week in a row to testify before a council of your peers on whether or not punk is in fact dead.
  • Scorpio The stars have something important to tell you, but first you must apologize for once again forgetting Lou Rawls' birthday.
  • Sagittarius You'll be taken completely by surprise when the Maritime Administration declares you a derelict hulk and has you broken up for scrap.
  • Capricorn They may not look that great, but they're not transmissible to sexual partners, and you can always find someone who's into genital stalactites.
  • Aquarius You had no idea the cheetah's feces-elimination process was so loud, so violent, and so frequently what was keeping you awake at night.
  • Pisces Decide to make the world a better place this week, but not before making sure your stuff goes to the right charities and surviving friends.