• Aries Your health continues to decline as your skin becomes too sensitive to endure sunlight and your soul remains too sensitive to endure dark, smoky bars.
  • Taurus While you admire his technical execution and admit he had a nice gimmick going, you have no idea who Michelangelo's target market was supposed to be.
  • Gemini You can't shake the feeling there has to be more to life than "seductively unzip the jacket, primly zip up the jacket" all week long.
  • Cancer You've read the instructions on how it's made, talked to people who claim to have made it, even seen videos of people making it, but you can't shake the feeling that when it comes to toast the toaster does all the work.
  • Leo You'll be shunned at work when you go from indifference toward Whitney Houston's death to bursting into tears over her in a disturbingly short time.
  • Virgo You'll receive hundreds of unsolicited estimates from eager housepainters when you mention your love of Jackson Pollock while walking past a Home Depot.
  • Libra Your short but remarkable career as the Serge Gainsbourg of country music will end Thursday as disgustingly as it began.
  • Scorpio You're as envious of the moneyed classes as you are disgusted by their distance from and disregard for everyday life, but you're still no F. Scott Fitzgerald.
  • Sagittarius Just as you're coming to terms with the challenges and rewards of living alone, you begin to suspect someone else is still alive out there in the radio­active rubble.
  • Capricorn Sometimes you feel like the whole world is spinning, spinning, spinning at a dizzying rate, causing the passage of day and night as well as fearsome Coriolis winds in the tropical regions.
  • Aquarius When future biographers address your astoundingly large body of poetic work they'll just skip right past it, partly because it's fairly complex stuff but mostly because they're writing your biography as punishment.
  • Pisces You're the kind of boring person doomed to be alone while trying to solve all the problems instead of hanging out with the cool people while assigning blame.