• Aries You try to be an accepting person, but you still don't see why some people can't be a nice, normal gender instead of women.
  • Taurus Turns out that while dogs can't actually smell fear, they're really good at smelling who likes to carry bacon around in their pockets.
  • Gemini When you think about it, there's really only one way to quit your job at the refinery in a way they'll remember for hundreds of years.
  • Cancer All celestial signs point to you suddenly coming into possession of a great deal of twisted aircraft-grade aluminum, charred wiring, and burning jet fuel, but it's not what you think.
  • Leo You, your couch, and your TV will be whisked away to a remote island by a wealthy sportsman who has waited all his life to hunt the Least Dangerous Game.
  • Virgo Once again, you'll be saved from boredom by the fact that matches are often given away for free in establishments that sell alcohol.
  • Libra It's not wearing a white dress to your third wedding that people will find odd. It's the blood of your two previous husbands on the veil and train.
  • Scorpio Truth be told, you haven't been a very good father, but it's not your fault that the mothers of your children haven't informed you of their existence.
  • Sagittarius You'll receive a recorded message from your future self in which you appear extremely insistent that an unspecified person be thanked for a waffle recipe.
  • Capricorn A journey of self-improvement ends almost before it starts when you find out there's a kind of waffle stuffed with cheese and booze.
  • Aquarius Your coworkers seem to be hinting that they wouldn't mind if you got rid of that beard, but you've been married to her for almost 10 years now.
  • Pisces Pluto rising in your sign this week indicates vast trouble ahead, as you really shouldn't be able to see it with the naked eye like that.