Aries There are a million reasons you shouldn't give up hope of ever finding love. None of them, however, are any good.
Taurus Forces are being set in motion that will forever change the way you look at microwaveable Mexican dinners.
Gemini Your excitement over the new arrival in your life is shattered when it is born with antlers.
Cancer The men from the government will exercise a surprising amount of patience while explaining to you that income taxes are not determined by essay.
Leo The Hands of Fate will intervene several times next week, knocking you into puddles for their own amusement.
Virgo Your extremely trying week will not be improved by your decision to deal with all problems by leaning on the horn.
Libra You will successfully foil a secret plot to infiltrate your house and surprise you with birthday gifts, cake, and good wishes.
Scorpio Your upcoming appearance on a popular wildlife show will provide a cautionary example to whale-watchers for years to come.
Sagittarius You will soon learn the hard way that "motherly love" means different things to different mothers.
Capricorn The paramedics will find it much easier to load you into the ambulance if they remember to bring a few buckets along.
Aquarius Your hatred of the strange and unfamiliar leads you to open hundreds of identical fast-food restaurants.
Pisces The stars thank you for your interest, but you do not fit their needs at this time. Good luck in future endeavors.
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