• Aries There are a million reasons you shouldn't give up hope of ever finding love. None of them, however, are any good.
  • Taurus Forces are being set in motion that will forever change the way you look at microwaveable Mexican dinners.
  • Gemini Your excitement over the new arrival in your life is shattered when it is born with antlers.
  • Cancer The men from the government will exercise a surprising amount of patience while explaining to you that income taxes are not determined by essay.
  • Leo The Hands of Fate will intervene several times next week, knocking you into puddles for their own amusement.
  • Virgo Your extremely trying week will not be improved by your decision to deal with all problems by leaning on the horn.
  • Libra You will successfully foil a secret plot to infiltrate your house and surprise you with birthday gifts, cake, and good wishes.
  • Scorpio Your upcoming appearance on a popular wildlife show will provide a cautionary example to whale-watchers for years to come.
  • Sagittarius You will soon learn the hard way that "motherly love" means different things to different mothers.
  • Capricorn The paramedics will find it much easier to load you into the ambulance if they remember to bring a few buckets along.
  • Aquarius Your hatred of the strange and unfamiliar leads you to open hundreds of identical fast-food restaurants.
  • Pisces The stars thank you for your interest, but you do not fit their needs at this time. Good luck in future endeavors.