- Aries Your belief that nothing can stop you will be tested this week by depression, procrastination, concrete barriers, dysentery, armed gunmen, and the unanimous passage of several laws targeted specifically at stopping you.
- Taurus After years of loneliness, you'll find the only other person on Earth who cares about cuttlefish as much as you do, inspiring a mutual hatred that will last the rest of your short and violent lives.
- Gemini You firmly believe that prayer is a beneficial practice for ordering your thoughts and sorting out your feelings, but only if enough people see you doing it.
- Cancer You will come closer to your own elemental nature this week when a sudden lance of white-hot plasma reduces you to your component atoms.
- Leo You were never certain whether or not life is better with a little bit of mystery until you figured out exactly what that smell is.
- Virgo You had always believed that there were two kinds of people in this world, but that was before you discovered the existence of the Germans.
- Libra Your joy at discovering that there is indeed meaning and purpose to life is short-lived when it turns out to involve a bunch of difficult stuff that isn't a lot of fun.
- Scorpio You'll revolutionize the dating industry when you combine advanced physics, chemistry and genetics to ensure that you are in fact the last man on Earth.
- Sagittarius In outer space there is in fact no such thing as "up" or "down," so it's not clear if you'll be falling forever or rising forever through the universe.
- Capricorn It is beneficial for a compassionate and intelligent person to stop now and again to consider the magnificence of human endeavor, so it is fortunate indeed that Mark Trail is still in print.
- Aquarius You're a firm believer that travel broadens the mind, which is one reason why you haven't been outside of Missouri in more than 15 years.
- Pisces It's rare that people can live a happy, healthy life without friends, so the crushing depression you're feeling is perfectly normal.
More Horoscope
- « Your Horoscopes - Week Of February 14 ... (February 14, 2012)
- Your Horoscopes - Week Of March 6 ... » (March 6, 2012)
Past Horoscopes
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May 22, 2012
Aries No one can argue effectively without the correct set of tools, so make sure you have a hammer in each hand. Taurus Just take things one day at a time this week, even though you're up against a race of impossibly ad...
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May 15, 2012
Aries Patience will see you through life’s most harrowing times. Plus you can fake patience by just sleeping constantly. Taurus For the last time: You do not have miraculous stigmata that cause you to bleed like th...
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May 8, 2012
Aries You've tried everything you can think of to stop yourself from gaining weight. Unfortunately, you have your best ideas while eating entire coconut-cream pies. Taurus Despite your efforts to be a modern-day hero, yo...
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May 1, 2012
Aries You will experience unbounded happiness and success in every area of your life this week, unless of course there is something fundamentally and irreversibly wrong with you. Taurus Your life story will bring much-ne...
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April 24, 2012
Aries Sex with you is an earth-shattering experience, especially the part where hundreds of Indonesians lose their lives. Taurus Your shortness of breath and wild fainting spells will be cured this week, thanks to a seri...
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April 17, 2012
Aries Your feeling of impending doom shall come to nothing again this week as the world continues to turn and your life goes on as normal. Perhaps you should consider feeling useless and stupid instead. Taurus Our survey...
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March 27, 2012
Aries This is a good time to make big moves at work, as you'll show up Monday to find all the furniture's gone and everyone has relocated to a new office somewhere outside Gary, IN. Taurus You'll experience a desire to s...
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March 20, 2012
Aries You will finally be reunited with your family when a sudden mudslide exposes their long-buried station wagon. Taurus Moses died within sight of his goals after wandering in the desert for 40 years, but you'll beat ...
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March 13, 2012
Aries Not only will romance, adventure, and thrills refuse to come to you, they will also refuse to come to theaters near you. Taurus Everyone must eventually choose between what they really must do and what they merely ...
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