• Aries While you may feel the urge to take everything on yourself, it’s best to slow down and leave the majority of the work to a professionally licensed coroner.
  • Taurus Wisdom says that God will not give you more than you can handle, but then again the Lord Almighty never got his Crocs caught in a revolving door.
  • Gemini Be aware that several of your closest friends may bring up a number of your personal flaws this week, which will make some at your funeral slightly uncomfortable.
  • Cancer Your greatest sorrows arise from your strongest assets: your intuitive drive to please others and ability to do the worm.
  • Leo The stars foretell that food will materialize in your refrigerator the fourth time you open it.
  • Virgo You will quickly accomplish every goal set out for you at your job this week, which will once again spell peril for 1,200 Detroit autoworkers.
  • Libra While some see hourglasses as symbolic of the fleeting nature of existence, they’ll only ever remind you of your teenage summer fling with Chronor, the Keeper of Time.
  • Scorpio Your former elementary school will recognize you for your impressive body of work this week by warning you to never again come near the playground.
  • Sagittarius They may tell you you’re deluded, that you’ve lost your mind, but you know good and well that those jabbering, naysaying radiators in your apartment don’t know what they’re talking about.
  • Capricorn The stars see nothing but pain and misfortune in your future, but you probably like that, huh? You sick fuck.
  • Aquarius You’ve always been practical when it comes to financial matters, which will make the removal of three of your family members from life support that much easier this week.
  • Pisces It will seem as if everyone’s avoiding you all week long, which will be odd considering that the engorged leech on your neck will be removed by Tuesday.