• Aries You're beginning to wonder exactly who is in charge of quality control for all those treasure maps.
  • Taurus An otherwise enjoyable week is shot to hell when you have several phone conversations with people from L.A.
  • Gemini You've never been one to take offense at accusations of arrogance, especially since they're all bullshit anyway.
  • Cancer It's impossible for you to get more tail than a dogcatcher—partially because of your poor hygiene, but mainly because you're a dogcatcher.
  • Leo You will abandon your search for the wisdom of the East when it turns out to be devoid of cool kung-fu moves.
  • Virgo Good things will happen when you least expect it, greatly embarrassing you while you're trying to enjoy a shit in peace.
  • Libra Having a girl pop out of the birthday cake was a fine idea, but you really should have given more thought to when the cake is cut.
  • Scorpio Next week will feature family scandal, almost a dozen murders, a drowned girlfriend, and lots of manic depression, yet it's not in any way based on Hamlet.
  • Sagittarius You will suffer dire consequences after toying with powerful forces you do not understand, namely gravity.
  • Capricorn Everything you touch will soon turn to gold, giving the cops a glittering, sparkling trail of nine-year-olds to follow.
  • Aquarius Your defense lawyer is one of the best, but he will have a hard time blaming those 11 murders on the bossa nova, the dance of love.
  • Pisces You are in grave danger of losing whatever credibility you had as a psychiatrist, which is strange, as you've been in floorcoverings for 17 years.