• Aries The universe, in all its wisdom, has a plan for everyone. Strangely, you're supposed to be the nun who holds up a distributor cap and winks while the Nazis try to start their car.
  • Taurus That person you've been seeing will finally introduce you to her friends, so it's a good thing you have an appreciation for taxidermy.
  • Gemini You might not always appreciate the story God is using you to tell, but you have to admit He isn't afraid to kill off major characters.
  • Cancer This would be a good time to start a new dietary regimen, seeing as you haven't eaten in three days.
  • Leo Sometimes the people in your life are holding you back, despite the best of intentions. Try to be patient as you inexorably drag your struggling co-workers toward the edge of the roof.
  • Virgo You'll become a household name when society is suddenly in need of a term for "someone who gets hit by a bus once a week."
  • Libra They say if you teach a man to fish he'll eat for a lifetime, but they also say that to become a master you must defeat your teacher, so ask yourself if you want that hanging over your head before giving any fishing lessons.
  • Scorpio You must grasp that actions have consequences. Start by not throwing broken glass over your head and forgetting all about it.
  • Sagittarius Take heart—old solutions can still work for old problems, especially if getting drunk is your solution to everything.
  • Capricorn You'll soon move to a faraway city where nobody knows who you are, which makes it kind of odd that they're all trying to kill you too.
  • Aquarius People can say whatever you want, but you'll remain firm in your belief that Archie is actually the greatest Manning of all.
  • Pisces A semitruck full of dimes will hurtle down your street and crash into your house, leaving you with no dreams left to achieve in life.