Aries The universe, in all its wisdom, has a plan for everyone. Strangely, you're supposed to be the nun who holds up a distributor cap and winks while the Nazis try to start their car.
Taurus That person you've been seeing will finally introduce you to her friends, so it's a good thing you have an appreciation for taxidermy.
Gemini You might not always appreciate the story God is using you to tell, but you have to admit He isn't afraid to kill off major characters.
Cancer This would be a good time to start a new dietary regimen, seeing as you haven't eaten in three days.
Leo Sometimes the people in your life are holding you back, despite the best of intentions. Try to be patient as you inexorably drag your struggling co-workers toward the edge of the roof.
Virgo You'll become a household name when society is suddenly in need of a term for "someone who gets hit by a bus once a week."
Libra They say if you teach a man to fish he'll eat for a lifetime, but they also say that to become a master you must defeat your teacher, so ask yourself if you want that hanging over your head before giving any fishing lessons.
Scorpio You must grasp that actions have consequences. Start by not throwing broken glass over your head and forgetting all about it.
Sagittarius Take heart—old solutions can still work for old problems, especially if getting drunk is your solution to everything.
Capricorn You'll soon move to a faraway city where nobody knows who you are, which makes it kind of odd that they're all trying to kill you too.
Aquarius People can say whatever you want, but you'll remain firm in your belief that Archie is actually the greatest Manning of all.
Pisces A semitruck full of dimes will hurtle down your street and crash into your house, leaving you with no dreams left to achieve in life.