• Aries Your marriage will soon erode to the point where you'll be sorely tempted to turn her in for the reward money.
  • Taurus The stars find that the time has come for you to put away childish things. Yes, that includes your three small children.
  • Gemini If there is more to life than fishing, you don't want to know what it is. This will help explain your death from malnutrition and dehydration next week.
  • Cancer You will be shocked to learn that, due to a legal fluke, your long-term houseguest is now your common-law wife.
  • Leo Try as you might, you will not be able to improve your mediocre putting game. Gee, some big fucking problems you got, asshole.
  • Virgo After 14 long years, you will be admitted to the Baseball Hall Of Fame when you finally come up with the $11.50 admission price.
  • Libra Start childproofing your house now, as a pack of bloodthirsty feral children is headed your way.
  • Scorpio Telling the waitress that you could make a better cup of coffee from the sweat on your balls won't do her any good. Show her how.
  • Sagittarius You never thought anything could ever replace sex in your life, but that was before you tried pouring yourself a nice stiff drink, putting on some music, and having sex.
  • Capricorn Financial experts know that a number of factors are to blame for the downturn, but they won't be able to shake the hunch that it was all your fault somehow.
  • Aquarius Your uniqueness as a human being is threatened when you find a person who enjoys ham just as much as you do.
  • Pisces Remember: No matter how bad things get, or how hopeless life may seem, you can always go home again and take it out on your family.