Your Horoscopes - Week Of January 17, 2012

HoroscopeEntertainment ISSUE 48•03 Jan 17, 2012
  • Aries Jupiter rising in your sign is usually an indicator of prosperous ambitions, but when it just keeps coming right at you, it becomes downright terrifying.
  • Taurus You have yet to find a love worthy of your unique affections and depth of spirit. You should strongly consider getting a goldfish.
  • Gemini You're saving yourself for something, all right, but as the events of the next six weeks will definitively prove, it sure as hell isn't marriage.
  • Cancer You'll discover a drug that allows people in committed relationships to open up to each other and have honest, meaningful conversations. The resulting bankruptcy will nearly kill you.
  • Leo Due to an unusual coincidence, your fortune this week is the same as for Nov. 19, 2005. The bartender will even use the same ax.
  • Virgo Your unfounded and irrational fear of being alone for the rest of your life is still completely inconsistent with your justifiable and sensible fear of other people.
  • Libra There's little you can do to stop the inexorable unfolding of inevitable fate, but moving the charcoal lighter fluid away from the furnace wouldn't be a bad start.
  • Scorpio You'll finally get around to catching up on your reading just as the men in lab coats resume their midnight visits and mess it all up again.
  • Sagittarius Certainly it's disturbing that you have all those nurses chained up in your basement, but it's even more disturbing how much they all paid to be there.
  • Capricorn Everyone's happy that you're finally off the drugs and high on life, but no one has the heart to tell you that you're putting out some of the shittiest music of your career.
  • Aquarius This is a great time for romance in the workplace, but then again, when isn't it for the world's most deranged taco truck driver?
  • Pisces No notable changes.