• Aries Pain will be yours this week when that Man from Nantucket finally hears all the terrible things you've been writing about him.
  • Taurus You'll soon popularize a new dance craze, thanks in large part to the large, feral raccoon clawing at your back.
  • Gemini The stars would love to give you some relationship advice, but they're still quite tired from having all that raucous sex with your wife.
  • Cancer People and places from your past will come rushing back this week, thanks to a sudden hemorrhage of the temporal lobe.
  • Leo Your disdain for authority will be full display this week when you pick a fight with a handsome set of leather-bound encyclopedias.
  • Virgo Mosquitoes are usually attracted to body heat and perspiration, though in your case, it's the giant mosquito costume.
  • Libra You'll soon discover three new planets, a dwarf star, and two orbiting satellites—an incredible achievement for someone just trying to peer in on his naked neighbor.
  • Scorpio Be sure to choose your words carefully this week as you've only got about seven of them left.
  • Sagittarius You've always been handy with a bow saw, which is good news, as you've never been handy with a bear trap.
  • Capricorn Either the whole thing is just one big coincidence, or they named a deadly species of blood-sucking parasite after you for a reason.
  • Aquarius Your coworkers are beginning to tire of your lame excuses. Although, to be fair, that's really your plumber's fault.
  • Pisces Remember: It's all a matter of perspective. See how your crippling finances look from atop that hill.