• Aries You're finally entering the period of life in which the things that you want to do greatly outnumber the things that you will eventually do.
  • Taurus The way to respond to a stupid question is to pretend not to hear it, which is why your friends all seem to have hearing problems.
  • Gemini An elite squad of international assassins will target you in an effort to make sure that the secrets behind your famous chili stay secret.
  • Cancer Everyone has one of those uncles who knows how to use a rifle, add a deck to the house, and catch a trout—everyone, that is, except for your nephew.
  • Leo After everyone has spoken, there will be an awkward, 90-second silence, at which point people will agree that you've been eulogized enough.
  • Virgo The debate on whether we have a shame or a guilt-based society is complicated when, due to some odd circumstances, you kill a man by shitting your pants.
  • Libra Once again, you'll be surprised by how many of your troubles can be traced back to that smelly old couch.
  • Scorpio Though it's noble that you became an accounts adjusted to make the world a better place, it remains unclear exactly how that's going to happen.
  • Sagittarius Keep in mind that it's important to set goals so you feel appropriately pathetic when you fail to achieve them.
  • Capricorn Heartbreak is in the stars for you this week when the woman of your dreams confesses she cannot love a man with such an unholy appetite for pie.
  • Aquarius You've had your picture in the paper before, but never in connection with a catastrophic bridge collapse.
  • Pisces Remember, it's not how hard you beat the goat, but whether the goat you're beating is on fire.