Your Horoscopes - Week Of January 24, 2012

  • Aries Your death next week will seem in­explicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 "cross your heart and hope to die" pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben.
  • Taurus Your fear of pubic speaking won't be helped by your habit of saying things that make large groups of people want to attack you.
  • Gemini The appearance of a tall dark stranger in your life will lead to a time of mystery and intrigue as you and he discuss the real meanings of the words "dark," "stranger," and even "tall."
  • Cancer Love has always meant different things to different people, but for God's sake, at no point in human history has it ever meant that.
  • Leo It is written that you will wield a sword of light and unite the world under your wise and compassionate rule, but hey, when you get right down to it, lots of shit has been written.
  • Virgo When you said no one could understand the way you felt, you were ignoring the many generations before you who also had late-night cravings for Little Debbies.
  • Libra Mercury rising in your sign means you'll do exactly what you want to at any given moment, just like you always do, you flighty bastard.
  • Scorpio This is a terrible time to start new phases of your life, especially those that involve eating whole frozen Pepperidge Farm chocolate cakes before they even have time to defrost.
  • Sagittarius Due to unusual and convoluted circumstances too involved to go into here, you'll spend the next three years imprisoned in an aging 1960s girl group.
  • Capricorn Your heart, at least, will be in the right place next week when you attempt to overcome your fear of commitment by marrying everyone you know.
  • Aquarius Beware: Time is running out to order Girl Scout cookies from Hazel so that she can earn the stuffed penguin—and already, Thin Mints may be unavailable.
  • Pisces Though you've been trying to find yourself for decades, you'll be dis­appointed to tears when you find yourself living in Flagstaff and working at a screen-door factory.