- Aries You've got tough row to hoe in front of you this week, which seems like merely a folksy euphemism until you find you've inherited a run-down potato farm.
- Taurus Conflicts at work and at home are cleared up instantly this week when you decide that all women are basically just crazy bitches.
- Gemini You are relived to find that, although you've left the window open and pages are indeed being torn from the calendar, you're not actually hurtling though time at a breakneck pace.
- Cancer Your life certainly isn't working out the way you had planned. Try to find some sort of equivalent of unplugging it and starting it over.
- Leo You're pretty sure that if God had really meant for man to fly, he would have given us all the ability to afford our own airplanes.
- Virgo The furious mobs will finally stop burning you in effigy next week, but only because they've decided to stop playing around with dolls and go right to the source.
- Libra You've always enjoyed story problems, so maybe you'll enjoy the one the police tell you about your car being found 200 miles away three days ago with eight dead women in the trunk.
- Scorpio The really interesting thing about next week isn't the remarkable size of the lobsters or how the polluted environment has affected their aggressiveness, but it's closely related.
- Sagittarius The bad news is your favorite shirt will be stained beyond saving next week; the good news is your favorite tie will be untouched, which is miraculous when you think about how many times you'll be shot.
- Capricorn The problems of reconciling the spiritual and material, or the intellectual and emotional, shall seem as nothing to you when compared with the problem of asking Erin out to the movies.
- Aquarius They may be laughing at you now, but they'll have to stop eventually if only to eat, catch their breath, and get a good night's sleep in preparation for laughing at you all day tomorrow.
- Pisces Sometimes all you want is to relax in your sweats with a movie and a bowl of popcorn, but this week you'll want six units of whole blood, clean bandages, a splint, and plenty of morphine.
More Horoscope
- « Your Horoscopes - Week Of January 24 ... (January 24, 2012)
- Your Horoscopes - Week Of February 7 ... » (February 7, 2012)
Past Horoscopes
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May 22, 2012
Aries No one can argue effectively without the correct set of tools, so make sure you have a hammer in each hand. Taurus Just take things one day at a time this week, even though you're up against a race of impossibly ad...
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May 15, 2012
Aries Patience will see you through life’s most harrowing times. Plus you can fake patience by just sleeping constantly. Taurus For the last time: You do not have miraculous stigmata that cause you to bleed like th...
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May 8, 2012
Aries You've tried everything you can think of to stop yourself from gaining weight. Unfortunately, you have your best ideas while eating entire coconut-cream pies. Taurus Despite your efforts to be a modern-day hero, yo...
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May 1, 2012
Aries You will experience unbounded happiness and success in every area of your life this week, unless of course there is something fundamentally and irreversibly wrong with you. Taurus Your life story will bring much-ne...
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April 24, 2012
Aries Sex with you is an earth-shattering experience, especially the part where hundreds of Indonesians lose their lives. Taurus Your shortness of breath and wild fainting spells will be cured this week, thanks to a seri...
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April 17, 2012
Aries Your feeling of impending doom shall come to nothing again this week as the world continues to turn and your life goes on as normal. Perhaps you should consider feeling useless and stupid instead. Taurus Our survey...
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March 27, 2012
Aries This is a good time to make big moves at work, as you'll show up Monday to find all the furniture's gone and everyone has relocated to a new office somewhere outside Gary, IN. Taurus You'll experience a desire to s...
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March 20, 2012
Aries You will finally be reunited with your family when a sudden mudslide exposes their long-buried station wagon. Taurus Moses died within sight of his goals after wandering in the desert for 40 years, but you'll beat ...
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March 13, 2012
Aries Not only will romance, adventure, and thrills refuse to come to you, they will also refuse to come to theaters near you. Taurus Everyone must eventually choose between what they really must do and what they merely ...
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