Aries Your life will be drab and gray until you discover that your stuffed animals can be posed in amusing sexual positions.
Taurus Don't be so sensitive. Sometimes, when people say "big, fat, flaming asshole," they really just mean "fat asshole."
Gemini You're the kind of person who likes to have the right tool for the job, so don’t be caught without a complete set of dental picks this week.
Cancer Jupiter is in your sun sign this week, making it pretty crowded in there, what with Jupiter being the largest of the planets and all.
Leo You thought true love would last forever, but you're shocked to discover an expiration date printed on the back, just below the consumer warnings.
Virgo Financial reward could be in your future this week, as Gemini is offering limited-time zero-percent interest on all balances transferred from other Zodiac signs. Apply now.
Libra You will fall victim to a dangerous personality disorder that makes you believe that the personal lives of celebrities are interesting and important.
Scorpio Frankly, the stars don’t understand what your problem is with calamari. So what if it’s tentacles? It's delicious! Eat it already!
Sagittarius You’ll feel cheated this week when you discover there's no law that says you have to be nice to old ladies.
Capricorn Next week will be a time of great financial and emotional rewards. It's just too bad you won't be there to see it.
Aquarius Your shocking decision to pose nude in Cosmopolitan may not have created such a stir had you asked the editors' permission first.
Pisces The stars indicate you shouldn't forget Katya's potluck this Friday at 6 p.m.
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