Your Horoscopes - Week Of July 12, 2011 

HoroscopeEntertainment ISSUE 47•28 Jul 12, 2011
  • Aries You're sick and tired of being treated like a child, except for the sexy parts where they change your dirty, filthy diapers.
  • Taurus Remember: If you give in to the impulses to do whatever you want with your life, you'll become one of those happy, satisfied people you resent so much.
  • Gemini You may treasure the sense of mystery you have about the future, but really, learning the days of the week won't ruin the magic.
  • Cancer Travel and adventure are in your future this week as your captors continue crossing state lines to stay one step ahead of the law.
  • Leo You'll wake up naked in a hotel bed between the corpses of a prostitute and a district attorney and have no memory of what happened, but presumably it's the same situation as last time.
  • Virgo You'll soon experience redoubled energy, a renewed sense of purpose, and a profound rush of confidence, proving once again that cocaine cannot be trusted.
  • Libra Your sneaking feeling that people are out to get you just shows how delusional you are, as you should know damn good and well that they're out to get you.
  • Scorpio They say lightning never strikes twice, which doesn't explain what's been happening to you at three o'clock every Wednesday for the past three months.
  • Sagittarius You always dreamed of being a human cannonball, but you had no idea that advances in artillery technology would limit your career to a very small number of appearances.
  • Capricorn They'll say what you did to all those nurses was unspeakable and ugly, but you know in your heart they're all really just jealous.
  • Aquarius You may have great quantities of bravado, élan, and puissance, but there's no way to be sure until you find out what those words mean.
  • Pisces The stars foresee many amazing things ahead of you this week, but really, they're too good to just tell you about in advance.