Aries A combination of hubris, treachery, and everyday low prices will soon mark the end of your reign as Mattress King.
Taurus Smuggling cocaine across the border is a delicate art. Next time try stashing it inside a stuffed animal instead of a live one.
Gemini You didn't get into plumbing for the fame, the fortune, or the women. But one severely backed-up toilet will soon change all of that.
Cancer Action and adventure await you this Thursday, though not before hours of pointless exposition and predictable plot twists.
Leo Your financial situation takes a turn for the worse this week when that damn quarter slips loose and falls behind the sofa cushion.
Virgo It's difficult to know who to trust in life. Then again, the guy with the horns and the hooves should have been a no-brainer.
Libra A man's home is his castle. This week prepare to have your castle stormed by a marauding horde of phone bills.
Scorpio Thanks to a series of unfortunate turns, you'll soon become the only man ever to compete in the Olympics, the Paralympics, and the Special Olympics.
Sagittarius The stars indicate that you can receive your personalized horoscope reading in Spanish by pressing 3 now.
Capricorn Remember: Those who can't do, teach. And those who can't teach just keep repeating the same tired maxim over and over again.
Aquarius It's true that God created you in His likeness. Unfortunately for you, God was feeling particularly shitty about Himself that day.
Pisces They say you have the grace of a dancer and the agility of a world-class gymnast. After that, though, it's usually just a bunch of mean-spirited laughter.
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