- Aries A combination of hubris, treachery, and everyday low prices will soon mark the end of your reign as Mattress King.
- Taurus Smuggling cocaine across the border is a delicate art. Next time try stashing it inside a stuffed animal instead of a live one.
- Gemini You didn't get into plumbing for the fame, the fortune, or the women. But one severely backed-up toilet will soon change all of that.
- Cancer Action and adventure await you this Thursday, though not before hours of pointless exposition and predictable plot twists.
- Leo Your financial situation takes a turn for the worse this week when that damn quarter slips loose and falls behind the sofa cushion.
- Virgo It's difficult to know who to trust in life. Then again, the guy with the horns and the hooves should have been a no-brainer.
- Libra A man's home is his castle. This week prepare to have your castle stormed by a marauding horde of phone bills.
- Scorpio Thanks to a series of unfortunate turns, you'll soon become the only man ever to compete in the Olympics, the Paralympics, and the Special Olympics.
- Sagittarius The stars indicate that you can receive your personalized horoscope reading in Spanish by pressing 3 now.
- Capricorn Remember: Those who can't do, teach. And those who can't teach just keep repeating the same tired maxim over and over again.
- Aquarius It's true that God created you in His likeness. Unfortunately for you, God was feeling particularly shitty about Himself that day.
- Pisces They say you have the grace of a dancer and the agility of a world-class gymnast. After that, though, it's usually just a bunch of mean-spirited laughter.
More Horoscope
- « Your Horoscopes - Week Of June 22 ... (June 22, 2010)
- Your Horoscopes - Week Of July 20 ... » (July 20, 2010)
Past Horoscopes
-
February 7, 2012
Aries The universe, in all its wisdom, has a plan for everyone. Strangely, you're supposed to be the nun who holds up a distributor cap and winks while the Nazis try to start their car. Taurus That person you've been see...
-
January 31, 2012
Aries You've got tough row to hoe in front of you this week, which seems like merely a folksy euphemism until you find you've inherited a run-down potato farm. Taurus Conflicts at work and at home are cleared up instantl...
-
January 24, 2012
Aries Your death next week will seem inexplicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 "cross your heart and hope to die" pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben. Taurus Your fear of pub...
-
January 17, 2012
Aries Jupiter rising in your sign is usually an indicator of prosperous ambitions, but when it just keeps coming right at you, it becomes downright terrifying. Taurus You have yet to find a love worthy of your unique aff...
-
January 10, 2012
Aries You're not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity. Taurus You'll need to find new solutions t...
-
January 3, 2012
Aries To improve your spiritual health, avoid the myriad temptations of the flesh. This is most easily accomplished by repeating the word "flesh" over and over until it creeps you out. Taurus Most accidents occ...
-
December 6, 2011
Aries Sleep will continue to elude you this week, so keep binging on coffee and amphetamines until you have enough energy to catch it. Taurus You're not the sort of person who panics easily, which will keep you from gett...
-
November 15, 2011
Aries They say your problem is inoperable, but they're wrong: It's just incurable. Go ahead and do all the operating you want. Taurus You've never believed you were the poisoning type, but judging from all the news cover...
-
November 8, 2011
Aries A shocking revelation will shake you to the core of your being this week, which is odd, because it's merely the fact that the Doobie Brothers aren't actual brothers. Taurus Betrayal, treason, and vile cal-umny will...
Recent News »
-
Intelligent, Condescending Life Discovered In Distant Galaxy
-
Congressman Hurt To Discover Lobbyist Not Really His Friend
-
Cartoon Network Celebrates Brak History Month
-
'Huffington Post' Employee Sucked Into Aggregation Turbine
-
Obama Criticized For Living In Lavish Mansion While Most Americans Struggle To Make Ends Meet
-
FDA Urges Americans To Check Out Weird-Looking Potato
-
Abusive Father Can't Wait To See The Art He's Inspiring His Kids To Create
-
Embarrassed Steven Chu Accidentally Calls Barack Obama ‘Dad’ In Cabinet Meeting
Facebook