• Aries Your favorite T-shirt brings about your downfall when a literal-minded mob follows its instructions and fills you to the indicated line with margaritas.
  • Taurus Many have felt the Love Which Dare Not Speak Its Name, but you'll experience the Love That Bellows Its Name Out A Crosstown-Bus Window All Day.
  • Gemini Once again, the specter of war will dominate international news, preventing people the world over from learning how you made the world's largest apple pie.
  • Cancer Your problem is that you have no sense of proportion, which is why you paid surgeons to enlarge your head and hands.
  • Leo Some people believe your house in Heaven is filled with all the things you lost while on earth, which explains the dead pets lying everywhere.
  • Virgo That run for the record books once again falls short when you start Boston's all-time second-largest fire.
  • Libra Next time, when passing a note intended to find out if someone likes you, you'll know to provide more than one box to check.
  • Scorpio The story of the universe has always fascinated you, but the ending will leave you with a lot of unanswered questions.
  • Sagittarius You'll never smile again after the tragic loss of your lower jaw and lips this week.
  • Capricorn As it turns out, there are indeed mountains high enough and valleys low enough to keep you from your love.
  • Aquarius The stars wouldn't take the risks you do, but, hey, it's your life for the next six months or so.
  • Pisces You'll be trapped in a hell of your own making, forcing you to admit that you really should have put in more bathrooms.