Your Horoscopes — Week Of July 2, 2013

HoroscopeEntertainment ISSUE 49•27 Jul 2, 2013
  • Aries Turns out it's not your relationship with your father that's been eating you up inside, but rather a three-foot long parasite lodged directly below your kidney.
  • Taurus It takes a real man to admit when he's made a mistake. However, now that you're a woman, you can blame the sex-change operation on someone else.
  • Gemini Due to its high incidence of hijinx, tomfoolery, and puns, you'll finally decide to stop answering doors during knock-knock jokes.
  • Cancer The stars, in their infinite wisdom, indicate that the cute blonde you've been pointing them out to couldn't be more bored if she tried.
  • Leo You'll continue to grow as a human being this week, much to the relief of all those geneticists.
  • Virgo Home is where the heart is. Specifically, beneath the floorboards of the common room.
  • Libra Every day on Earth is like a beautiful gift from God, which is thoughtful and all, but you'd probably prefer something you can actually use.
  • Scorpio Juggling three young children isn't easy for any mother, but then, that's why you start with tennis balls and bowling pins first.
  • Sagittarius Take heart: There are people with bigger problems than yours, and acting like you care about them will get you laid.
  • Capricorn Nothing will be what it seems this week, especially breakfast sausages.
  • Aquarius Were it officially sanctioned, judged by an impartial panel, and taking place somewhere other than your kitchen late at night, you'd pretty much shatter all existing hot dog eating records.
  • Pisces You said you'd never forget all the little people who helped you along the way, but since becoming rich and famous you haven't thought about those midgets once.