- Aries Pain will be yours this week when that Man from Nantucket finally hears all the terrible things you've been writing about him.
- Taurus You'll soon popularize a new dance craze, thanks in large part to the large, feral raccoon clawing at your back.
- Gemini The stars would love to give you some relationship advice, but they're still quite tired from having all that raucous sex with your wife.
- Cancer People and places from your past will come rushing back this week, thanks to a sudden hemorrhage of the temporal lobe.
- Leo Your disdain for authority will be full display this week when you pick a fight with a handsome set of leather-bound encyclopedias.
- Virgo Mosquitoes are usually attracted to body heat and perspiration, though in your case, it's the giant mosquito costume.
- Libra You'll soon discover three new planets, a dwarf star, and two orbiting satellites—an incredible achievement for someone just trying to peer in on his naked neighbor.
- Scorpio Be sure to choose your words carefully this week as you've only got about seven of them left.
- Sagittarius You've always been handy with a bow saw, which is good news, as you've never been handy with a bear trap.
- Capricorn Either the whole thing is just one big coincidence, or they named a deadly species of blood-sucking parasite after you for a reason.
- Aquarius Your coworkers are beginning to tire of your lame excuses. Although, to be fair, that's really your plumber's fault.
- Pisces Remember: It's all a matter of perspective. See how your crippling finances look from atop that hill.
More Horoscope
- « Your Horoscopes - Week Of July 13 ... (July 13, 2010)
- Your Horoscope - Week Of July 27 ... » (July 27, 2010)
Past Horoscopes
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May 22, 2012
Aries No one can argue effectively without the correct set of tools, so make sure you have a hammer in each hand. Taurus Just take things one day at a time this week, even though you're up against a race of impossibly ad...
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May 15, 2012
Aries Patience will see you through life’s most harrowing times. Plus you can fake patience by just sleeping constantly. Taurus For the last time: You do not have miraculous stigmata that cause you to bleed like th...
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May 8, 2012
Aries You've tried everything you can think of to stop yourself from gaining weight. Unfortunately, you have your best ideas while eating entire coconut-cream pies. Taurus Despite your efforts to be a modern-day hero, yo...
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May 1, 2012
Aries You will experience unbounded happiness and success in every area of your life this week, unless of course there is something fundamentally and irreversibly wrong with you. Taurus Your life story will bring much-ne...
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April 24, 2012
Aries Sex with you is an earth-shattering experience, especially the part where hundreds of Indonesians lose their lives. Taurus Your shortness of breath and wild fainting spells will be cured this week, thanks to a seri...
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April 17, 2012
Aries Your feeling of impending doom shall come to nothing again this week as the world continues to turn and your life goes on as normal. Perhaps you should consider feeling useless and stupid instead. Taurus Our survey...
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March 27, 2012
Aries This is a good time to make big moves at work, as you'll show up Monday to find all the furniture's gone and everyone has relocated to a new office somewhere outside Gary, IN. Taurus You'll experience a desire to s...
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March 20, 2012
Aries You will finally be reunited with your family when a sudden mudslide exposes their long-buried station wagon. Taurus Moses died within sight of his goals after wandering in the desert for 40 years, but you'll beat ...
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March 13, 2012
Aries Not only will romance, adventure, and thrills refuse to come to you, they will also refuse to come to theaters near you. Taurus Everyone must eventually choose between what they really must do and what they merely ...
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