• Aries This week try wearing less make-up when you leave the house, even if it means angering the other members of KISS.
  • Taurus While being a good friend means telling the truth, you'll soon realize that being a true friend means keeping your mouth shut.
  • Gemini E.B. White always believed that punctuation should be used sparingly. But then, E.B. White was—let's face it—a "pompous fuck."
  • Cancer If you pledge to Cancer at the $50 membership level, not only will you be supporting quality predictions in the future, but you'll also receive this handsome Cancer tote bag.
  • Leo Remember: It's all a matter of perspective. See how your crippling finances look from atop that hill.
  • Virgo You've never really thought of yourself as a cat-person, but the splicing, trans-binding, and DNA re-sequencing will soon change all of that.
  • Libra The rise of Jupiter in your sign can only mean one thing! Let the stars know what it is once you look it up.
  • Scorpio Success is often difficult to define, though for you, it pretty much boils down to filling that cup with clean urine.
  • Sagittarius When life seems grim, and all hope is but a distant memory, why not try weeping uncontrollably in the shower? After all, it works for your husband.
  • Capricorn The stars fucking give up—if you want another slice of blueberry pie, just go ahead and have another slice of blueberry pie.
  • Aquarius Sure, a spoonful of sugar may make the medicine go down, but if it's suppositories you're struggling with, the spoon isn't going to help.
  • Pisces You'll be forced to undergo surgery to remove the lump from your throat. Though it's becoming a woman and not cancer of the larynx that will send you to the hospital.