• Aries You'll finally discover what you were born to do when you turn out to be the only person at Gorilla Taco who fits in the combination gorilla/taco suit
  • Taurus For the last time: Once your first male child is dead, the next one in line does not automatically become your firstborn son, so cool it with all the sacrifices
  • Gemini Although the secrets of heaven and earth are denied to you, the secret of pancakes turns out to be the use of sour cream
  • Cancer They say it's never to late to do something meaningful with your life, which is a nice idea, but you actually have about nine days
  • Leo Kindly strangers will do you a favor this week by removing your blindfold, taking away the stick, and explaining exactly what is meant by the word "pinata"
  • Virgo Smile, and the world smiles with you; cry, and you cry alone. But if you're standing over a pile of dismembered infants and there are TV cameras around, you should probably try for the opposite.
  • Libra You will finally meet the man of your dreams, which sounds like good news until you remember some of your dreams.
  • Scorpio It's simply not true that most people think you're an anonymous loser. In fact, most people have never heard of you.
  • Sagittarius You will soon come into a great deal of money, resulting in your arrest and immediate dismissal from your job as a bank teller
  • Capricorn You've seen the evidence and spoken to eyewitnesses, but you still think that Bernese mountain dog puppies are just too cute to be real
  • Aquarius The stars say that you will have a decent week, but will forget to buy milk on Wednesday and will wear the wrong shoes for the weather Friday. Seriously, there are around 200 billion stars in the Milky Way alone, and some of them can be pretty specific
  • Pisces You've raised three children, started a successful business, and made peace with God, but you'll soon discover that there are some things duct tape just can't do.