- AriesYou'll be thrilled all the way down to your toenails this week when electrodes are planted in the appropriate pleasure centers of your brain.
- Taurus After the events of next Sunday, for the rest of your life, people will stop you on the street and ask you to autograph packages of pork chops.
- Gemini Millions will be rescued this week when the Red Cross deploys thousands of desperately needed words to the site of an unspeakable tragedy.
- Cancer You must admit that you're sleeping better than ever, but it's kind of unpleasant to wake up every morning with a blowgun dart in the back of your neck.
- Leo More than anything, you want to mold and shape young minds. Unfortunately, most commercially available Jell-O molds are unsuitable for this purpose.
- Virgo Your new pheromone-based scent will make you irresistible to women, who will devour you, bones, hair, and all.
- Libra Well, the stars tried, but somehow, you've been left more or less in control of your own destiny this week.
- Scorpio For centuries, great thinkers have contemplated the purpose of life. It's best to just relax and assume they've figured it out.
- Sagittarius If you've ever regretted not pursuing a career in bullfighting, this week may bring an accidental chance to start over.
- Capricorn You will have a vision of peace, transcendent love, and infinite compassion, only to find it was all a dream. Also, your pillow is gone
- Aquarius Don't take it personally: Someone had to be the cutoff point for who does and doesn't get on the Emergency Earth-Escape Rocket.
- Pisces Alarming developments this week mean that withholding sex will no longer be one of your more effective threats.
More Horoscope
- « Your Horoscopes - Week Of May 25 ... (May 25, 2010)
- Your Horoscopes - Week Of June 8 ... » (June 8, 2010)
Past Horoscopes
-
May 22, 2012
Aries No one can argue effectively without the correct set of tools, so make sure you have a hammer in each hand. Taurus Just take things one day at a time this week, even though you're up against a race of impossibly ad...
-
May 15, 2012
Aries Patience will see you through life’s most harrowing times. Plus you can fake patience by just sleeping constantly. Taurus For the last time: You do not have miraculous stigmata that cause you to bleed like th...
-
May 8, 2012
Aries You've tried everything you can think of to stop yourself from gaining weight. Unfortunately, you have your best ideas while eating entire coconut-cream pies. Taurus Despite your efforts to be a modern-day hero, yo...
-
May 1, 2012
Aries You will experience unbounded happiness and success in every area of your life this week, unless of course there is something fundamentally and irreversibly wrong with you. Taurus Your life story will bring much-ne...
-
April 24, 2012
Aries Sex with you is an earth-shattering experience, especially the part where hundreds of Indonesians lose their lives. Taurus Your shortness of breath and wild fainting spells will be cured this week, thanks to a seri...
-
April 17, 2012
Aries Your feeling of impending doom shall come to nothing again this week as the world continues to turn and your life goes on as normal. Perhaps you should consider feeling useless and stupid instead. Taurus Our survey...
-
March 27, 2012
Aries This is a good time to make big moves at work, as you'll show up Monday to find all the furniture's gone and everyone has relocated to a new office somewhere outside Gary, IN. Taurus You'll experience a desire to s...
-
March 20, 2012
Aries You will finally be reunited with your family when a sudden mudslide exposes their long-buried station wagon. Taurus Moses died within sight of his goals after wandering in the desert for 40 years, but you'll beat ...
-
March 13, 2012
Aries Not only will romance, adventure, and thrills refuse to come to you, they will also refuse to come to theaters near you. Taurus Everyone must eventually choose between what they really must do and what they merely ...
Recent News »
-
NRA Sets 1,000 Killed In School Shooting As Amount It Would Take For Them To Reconsider Much Of Anything
-
Romney To Undergo Gender Reassignment Surgery To Better Connect With Women Voters
-
Biden To Honor Fallen Soldiers By Jumping Motorcycle Over Vietnam Memorial
-
Quiet Temp Actually Very Untalented Singer-Songwriter
-
Kennedy Family Releases List Of Tragic Ways Remaining Members Could Die
-
Scientists Find Thousands Of Previously Undiscovered Species Cowering In Amazon Rainforest
-
Alabama School System's Lone Textbook Falling Apart
-
Fleet Of Ambulances On Hand For 41-Year-Olds' Touch Football Game
