Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever it is you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
Taurus Sure, they're quite festive-looking, and they certainly help to spread holiday cheer, but maybe it's time you got those antlers checked.
Gemini Remember: Don't let any man ever tell you what to do. Or who to do it to. Or what the hell they're even talking about in the first place.
Cancer The game of soccer, when played with skill and grace, is like poetry in motion. Which explains all the bored-stiff people just pretending to follow along.
Leo You'll popularize a new dance craze this week, thanks in large part to the large, feral raccoon clawing at your back.
Virgo Virgo is often known for its stubborn and headstrong nature. Yes, it is. Yes, it fucking is.
Libra You're about to enter a strange upside-down universe, one where white is black, black is white, and people don't need to remind you when to chew.
Scorpio Doctors will refuse to operate on you this week, not due to any moral dilemmas, or matters of economics, or even health-related fears. They're just vindictive bastards.
Sagittarius You've never worked a day in your life, though that's mainly because you keep getting the damn graveyard shift.
Capricorn Remember: There's no use in kicking and screaming and crying all day long. They're going to change your diaper when they get to it.
Aquarius Everyone would stop telling you to keep your hands to yourself, if they only knew what you did with them.
Pisces They say the children are our future. However, what they fail to mention is that it's a post-apocalyptic future, where the blood of small infants will be used to feed our giant man-machine overlords.