Aries Your radical new look will cause heads to turn, as complete strangers hurry to avoid eye contact with you.
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
Gemini Years of backbreaking work will finally pay off when your sales manager, walking hurriedly down the hallway, nods faintly in your general direction this week.
Cancer A tragic boating accident will soon claim the lives of the lead singer, guitarist, and drummer of your one-man band.
Leo Remember a couple of months back when the stars accurately predicted the birth of your second child? Man, that was great.
Virgo Keep in mind this week that anger is fear in disguise, although why you'd be afraid of the soda machine eating your dollar is for you alone to answer.
Libra Like a moth to a flame, you too will be strongly attracted to a giant flame today.
Scorpio The fifth coming of Jesus Christ this week will reveal that you haven't been paying as much attention as you'd thought.
Sagittarius You'll be brought face-to-face with your own mortality during a series of harrowing stabs to the jaw and forehead.
Capricorn This week a shattered tea set will serve as a fitting metaphor for your clumsy coming-of-age as a woman.
Aquarius For the third straight night, your wife will pass away loudly, painfully, and repeatedly in your sleep.
Pisces Everything you touch will soon turn to gold, giving the cops a glittering, sparkling trail of nine-year-olds to follow.
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