- AriesThe throbbing inside your skull will finally come to a stop this week, signaling the end of the Trematode's gestation period.
- Taurus The stars foresee a second job promotion in the days to come, though they should probably be telling Dave about it instead of you.
- Gemini You'll soon possess the courage of 10 men, and the sexually transmitted diseases of about 50.
- Cancer The hounds of hell will be at your door this week, clawing furiously to be let out and use the bathroom.
- Leo Despite the offer of a brand new car, an all-expense-paid trip to Greece, and a four-piece living room set, you'll once again go for the box with the question mark on it.
- Virgo You'll die a little bit on the inside this week, and a whole heck of a lot on the outside.
- Libra It'll be a nuisance wearing the Nielsen box on your head all week, but at least you'll find out that your viewership goes up when you're fighting or having sex.
- Scorpio Everyone wants to live forever, but in your case it would just mean more time being chased by an angry swarm of bees.
- Sagittarius Your extremely trying week will not be improved by your decision to deal with all problems by leaning on the horn.
- Capricorn Nobody likes a know-it-all, but then, you probably knew that already, you smug jerk.
- Aquarius You should have more folding chairs around. If wrestlers come over and can't find one, they'll use something else.
- Pisces Success is often difficult to define, though for you, it pretty much boils down to filling that cup with clean urine.
More Horoscope
- « Your Horoscopes - Week Of June 1 ... (June 1, 2010)
- Your Horoscopes - Week Of June 15 ... » (June 15, 2010)
Past Horoscopes
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May 22, 2012
Aries No one can argue effectively without the correct set of tools, so make sure you have a hammer in each hand. Taurus Just take things one day at a time this week, even though you're up against a race of impossibly ad...
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May 15, 2012
Aries Patience will see you through life’s most harrowing times. Plus you can fake patience by just sleeping constantly. Taurus For the last time: You do not have miraculous stigmata that cause you to bleed like th...
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May 8, 2012
Aries You've tried everything you can think of to stop yourself from gaining weight. Unfortunately, you have your best ideas while eating entire coconut-cream pies. Taurus Despite your efforts to be a modern-day hero, yo...
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May 1, 2012
Aries You will experience unbounded happiness and success in every area of your life this week, unless of course there is something fundamentally and irreversibly wrong with you. Taurus Your life story will bring much-ne...
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April 24, 2012
Aries Sex with you is an earth-shattering experience, especially the part where hundreds of Indonesians lose their lives. Taurus Your shortness of breath and wild fainting spells will be cured this week, thanks to a seri...
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April 17, 2012
Aries Your feeling of impending doom shall come to nothing again this week as the world continues to turn and your life goes on as normal. Perhaps you should consider feeling useless and stupid instead. Taurus Our survey...
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March 27, 2012
Aries This is a good time to make big moves at work, as you'll show up Monday to find all the furniture's gone and everyone has relocated to a new office somewhere outside Gary, IN. Taurus You'll experience a desire to s...
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March 20, 2012
Aries You will finally be reunited with your family when a sudden mudslide exposes their long-buried station wagon. Taurus Moses died within sight of his goals after wandering in the desert for 40 years, but you'll beat ...
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March 13, 2012
Aries Not only will romance, adventure, and thrills refuse to come to you, they will also refuse to come to theaters near you. Taurus Everyone must eventually choose between what they really must do and what they merely ...
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