AriesThe throbbing inside your skull will finally come to a stop this week, signaling the end of the Trematode's gestation period.
Taurus The stars foresee a second job promotion in the days to come, though they should probably be telling Dave about it instead of you.
Gemini You'll soon possess the courage of 10 men, and the sexually transmitted diseases of about 50.
Cancer The hounds of hell will be at your door this week, clawing furiously to be let out and use the bathroom.
Leo Despite the offer of a brand new car, an all-expense-paid trip to Greece, and a four-piece living room set, you'll once again go for the box with the question mark on it.
Virgo You'll die a little bit on the inside this week, and a whole heck of a lot on the outside.
Libra It'll be a nuisance wearing the Nielsen box on your head all week, but at least you'll find out that your viewership goes up when you're fighting or having sex.
Scorpio Everyone wants to live forever, but in your case it would just mean more time being chased by an angry swarm of bees.
Sagittarius Your extremely trying week will not be improved by your decision to deal with all problems by leaning on the horn.
Capricorn Nobody likes a know-it-all, but then, you probably knew that already, you smug jerk.
Aquarius You should have more folding chairs around. If wrestlers come over and can't find one, they'll use something else.
Pisces Success is often difficult to define, though for you, it pretty much boils down to filling that cup with clean urine.
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