Your Horoscopes - Week Of March 20, 2012

HoroscopeEntertainment ISSUE 48•12 Mar 20, 2012
  • Aries You will finally be reunited with your family when a sudden mudslide exposes their long-buried station wagon.
  • Taurus Moses died within sight of his goals after wandering in the desert for 40 years, but you'll beat him to the punch by doing it within seven months.
  • Gemini This just might be the year when you stop listening to spurious advice and trusting to fate. Remember to keep checking your horoscope to make sure.
  • Cancer You'll get to know your town a little better over the next few weeks as you lose your job, get evicted, and wander the streets looking for food and shelter.
  • Leo Sometimes everything seems dark and without hope. When you begin feeling this way, it's important to remember that these are the natural consequences of being realistic.
  • Virgo You'll be forced to confront the infinite, the fleeting nature of life, and your own mortality next week when, not to put too fine a point on it, you'll pretty much simply die.
  • Libra They say the clothes make the man, but you and your beautiful, understated suits are proof that this is simply not the case.
  • Scorpio You're finally over your last lover, to the point where you can start reading that book he recommended in which God creates the earth and stuff.
  • Sagittarius They say you're at the end of your rope and that you should just give up and resign yourself to failure, and they're board-licensed psychiatrists and therapists, so they should know.
  • Capricorn You'll find to your delight that love at first sight is very real, and to your horror that revulsion and loathing on fifth sight is, too.
  • Aquarius You're in for a bit of an adjustment period this week, and for several weeks after that, following which you'll be able to function just as well as a person whose legs aren't on backward.
  • Pisces You'll end next week the same way you'll start it: with a desperate all-or-nothing gamble that your crackpot scheme will be able to extinguish the flames.