Your Horoscopes – Week Of March 20, 2013

HoroscopeEntertainment ISSUE 49•12 Mar 20, 2013
  • Aries It may be years before your coworkers treat you with respect again, but it will have been worth it for the brief time spent in the panda suit.
  • Taurus You will be upgraded with improved graphics and greater ease of use, but processor speed remains a problem.
  • Gemini Awesome forces beyond your control will continue to cause pictures and sounds to emanate from your TV.
  • Cancer As the August issue of Vogue says, being fashion-forward in every aspect of your life is easier than ever. However, this assurance merely serves to confuse you.
  • Leo Strangely, no one will congratulate you when you finally win your lifelong battle with oxygen addiction.
  • Virgo This will be a lucky week indeed, since no one enjoys a good concussion more than you.
  • Libra When you boasted last week that “nothing can stop me now,” you apparently forgot about syphilis.
  • Scorpio Investigators from several federal agencies will conclude that the failure of an 89-cent O-ring caused you to explode over Florida.
  • Sagittarius Your fascination with the Vietnam War, combined with your love of romance novels and vampire myths, cause you to produce the worst work of fiction ever.
  • Capricorn Don’t worry: Men won’t realize it’s a prosthesis at first, and by the time they do, they’ll have paid and gone.
  • Aquarius You’ve been on hold for three years now and are beginning to suspect that your call isn’t important to them after all.
  • Pisces It’s never too late to start your life over, but hurry, as you only have minutes left.