Your Horoscopes - Week Of March 23, 2010

HoroscopeEntertainment ISSUE 46•12 Mar 23, 2010

  • Aries The stars would love nothing more than to reveal your future this week, but unfortunately, they're just large luminous balls of plasma held together by gravity in space.
  • Taurus You might be nervous and intimidated and even a little scared, but take heart: Those women are just as frightened of you as you are of them.
  • Gemini A popular new idiom will soon be coined, thanks to you, that broken-down apple pie cart, and all those quarters tumbling out of your ass.
  • Cancer All the praying in the world can't save you now. Quick, turn to demon worship and the black arts before it's too late.
  • Leo Alcohol, a case of mistaken identity, and two screaming ends of a pantomime horse will figure heavily this coming Thursday.
  • Virgo As an educator, you always hoped you'd make a difference someday, which just goes to show that no one is ever too old to learn something new.
  • Libra You will once again bring out the very best in your local police, fire, and sanitation control departments.
  • Scorpio Admitting to past mistakes is never easy, so it's a good thing you happen to be an unrepentant bitch.
  • Sagittarius Your hard work and dedication will finally pay off this week when you're accepted into Harbard. Unfortunately for you, though, that's not a typo.
  • Capricorn The stars indicate that this is a good week to start up new and steamy romances. Your office's sexual harassment policy, however, indicates otherwise.
  • Aquarius Long after the dust has settled, the smoke has cleared, and everyone has said their piece, you'll still be standing there, asking a bunch of ridiculous questions.
  • Pisces The little voices inside your head will continue to disagree over what to set fire to first.