• Aries You're not the kind of person who can wear those stylish strappy heels, mostly because you're too stupid to figure out how shoes go on.
  • Taurus Love, wisdom, and luck are all strong in your zodiac sign this week, providing further proof that you are not your zodiac sign.
  • Gemini The bellboy will be a little intimidated by all your luggage, but, frankly, a single suitcase nuke won't do the job on a city that size.
  • Cancer You'll become embroiled in a vicious conflict between those who feel Queens of the Stone Age are overrated and those who want control of the cocaine trade on the Eastern Seaboard.
  • Leo You're starting to believe that your neighbor is trying to hide something from you with all those clothes she insists on wearing.
  • Virgo The stars have nothing to say to you this week, as they're trying to work on their own future for once, if you don't mind.
  • Libra Spice things up in the bedroom this week by inviting someone to go in there with you for some intercourse.
  • Scorpio You'll have strange dreams in which a bearded hippie in a long robe urges you to cast off your burdens and join him at the right hand of his father, but it's probably nothing.
  • Sagittarius Next week will be a joyful whirlwind of magic, laughter, and romance, so it's too bad you're going to miss the whole thing.
  • Capricorn You'll be saddened when it turns out that all those people who only like you for your money turn out not to be very good friends.
  • Aquarius Old promises come due this week when you're reminded of your pledge to get a real job just as soon as the Portuguese prime minister retires.
  • Pisces You'll continue to spend your days covered in feathers and bird shit, proving that being dressed by birds every morning isn't all it's cracked up to be.