Your Horoscopes - Week Of March 30, 2010 | The Onion

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03.30.10 | ISSUE 46•13

Aries What others think of you is a constant source of worry, so take heart in knowing that they rarely ever do.
Taurus It might not be today, and it might not be tomorrow, but you'll soon come to regret staging a pie-eating contest to choose a new nanny.
Gemini You will inspire a new Zen riddle this week when a tree falls on top of you in the woods and there's no one around to hear all the screaming.
Cancer Love can make a person do all sorts of weird and crazy things, but in your case, it'll mostly involve showering.
Leo Exposure to bursts of gamma radiation will soon leave you with the tumor-growing ability of 10 regular men.
Virgo While being replaced by a machine is never easy, losing your job to a common office stapler will prove especially difficult to take.
Libra There won't be a dry eye in the house. That's how tear-jerkingly funny your wedding will be.
Scorpio Doctors will diagnose you with a new strain of tuberculosis this week, or "Poor Unsuspecting Bastard's Disease" as it'll come to be known.
Sagittarius You will come face to face with your worst fears this week after standing in front of a bathroom mirror.
Capricorn Of all the plans you had for what you'd do with a million dollars, serving 12 years for grand larceny was probably last on your list.
Aquarius Admitting failure has never been your strong suit. Thankfully, this week's stench will say more than mere words ever could.
Pisces The stars predict the beginning of a lifelong romance this week, which just goes to show you how wrong the stars can sometimes be.

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Your Horoscopes - Week Of April 6 ... » (April 6, 2010)

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