• Aries You're starting to think about settling down, finding a nice little place, starting a family, maybe eventually even getting some clothes.
  • Taurus Don't worry: There's absolutely nothing wrong with your goals, as long as you realize they're unrealistic and you can never actually achieve them.
  • Gemini Rescue personnel will stretch the English language, the human voice, and the average person's constitution to unprecedented limits while trying to describe the horrible sounds you'll make next week.
  • Cancer This is a good month to take long trips, as long as you travel in a slow, ground-based vehicle without all that much fuel in it.
  • Leo The habit is certainly awkward for your friends and family members, but this would actually be a bad time to discontinue your practice of carrying a battle-ax to church.
  • Virgo The constellation Virgo has seen you gazing at her in silent supplication, and she has this message for you: Her eyes are up here.
  • Libra You'll be astounded to learn this week that, in certain less-than-legitimate circumstances, monkeys do come in barrels, but they are no fun whatsoever.
  • Scorpio You've succeeded in breeding pandas in captivity, but the hard part will be getting them to breed with each other.
  • Sagittarius You always wanted to die peacefully at home in your sleep, but look at it this way: You'll be at home, all right, and the flames will spread so fast you'll only be awake for a few seconds.
  • Capricorn You're spending less time con≠sidering your future these days, which, all things considered, is only appropriate.
  • Aquarius Sometimes you have to do things you don't want to do. Push your grandmother in front of a bus this week.
  • Pisces Time and space are both illusions, making it even more frustrating that you're always in the wrong place at the wrong time.