Your Horoscopes – Week of May 1, 2012

HoroscopeEntertainment ISSUE 48•18 May 1, 2012
  • Aries You will experience unbounded happiness and success in every area of your life this week, unless of course there is something fundamentally and irreversibly wrong with you.
  • Taurus Your life story will bring much-needed happiness and laughter to the world, especially the hilarious ending.
  • Gemini Sadly, there is nothing in this world that can ever bring back your dead loved ones. Happily, most things in the world can be used to send your hated ones away.
  • Cancer Your life will seem boring and empty until you discover what that otherwise useless other gender is actually for.
  • Leo It's a mixed week for you regarding personal triumphs. You will win a longstanding argument with an obstinate Pisces, but lose your long-running battle with Cancer.
  • Virgo Though it often seems hilarious, the powers that be are far from indifferent to your cries of suffering and pleas for help. They think they're downright sickening.
  • Libra You will wake from the best sleep of your life to find that you've been catapulted through the windshield by the force of the airbag deploying.
  • Scorpio The stars indicate that tomorrow will be a good day to die a noble death in the service of humanity. Unfortunately, they have bad news for you about this afternoon.
  • Sagittarius Sometimes people don't say what they really mean. For instance, they may say the words "big fat stupid asshole" when they really mean "big dumb jerkasaurus."
  • Capricorn You will become an inspiration to thousands of teens when your tragic tale of sexual profligacy and rampant drug abuse is turned into the coolest PSA of all time.
  • Aquarius While it's true that 2012 is your year, that just means you're responsible for its upkeep and maintenance, so you'd really better get going on that.
  • Pisces Your inner beauty makes you shine with the light of a thousand stars, which is appropriate, as in broad daylight you're actually not that impressive.