Your Horoscopes - Week Of May 11, 2010

HoroscopeenvironmentEntertainment ISSUE 46•19 May 11, 2010
  • Aries Enlightenment and confusion will both be yours this week, when a tree falls in the woods only to make the sound of one hand clapping.
  • Taurus After years of zoological study and careful consideration, you've decided that what separates us from the animals is a clever system of ditches and barriers.
  • Gemini Bowing to public pressure, manufacturers will soon introduce a new version of you that's both environmentally friendly and completely free of pesticides.
  • Cancer Wilderness sports may be growing in popularity, but people are not yet ready to appreciate your expertise at trout-shotgunning.
  • Leo Children are our nation's greatest natural resource. Keep a stockpile of them in your basement in the event of an emergency.
  • Virgo There's something the stars have been meaning to tell you about elephants, but you'll soon find out for yourself.
  • Libra Plastic bags can wreak havoc on the environment, especially if like you, people keep using them to suffocate trees.
  • Scorpio And to think you laughed when your high-school yearbook named you Most Likely To Be Responsible For The Extinction Of The Frigate Bird.
  • Sagittarius You'll finally become one with nature this week, thanks to a simple process known only as disintegration.
  • Capricorn It may be years before your coworkers treat you with respect again, but it will have been worth it for the brief time spent inside the panda suit.
  • Aquarius Please stop referring to your bouts of gastrointestinal flatulence as "turning on the ol' wind farm." That's not helping anyone.
  • Pisces You've never thought of yourself as an innovator in livestock genetics, as you have regular sex with them just like anybody else.