Aries Enlightenment and confusion will both be yours this week, when a tree falls in the woods only to make the sound of one hand clapping.
Taurus After years of zoological study and careful consideration, you've decided that what separates us from the animals is a clever system of ditches and barriers.
Gemini Bowing to public pressure, manufacturers will soon introduce a new version of you that's both environmentally friendly and completely free of pesticides.
Cancer Wilderness sports may be growing in popularity, but people are not yet ready to appreciate your expertise at trout-shotgunning.
Leo Children are our nation's greatest natural resource. Keep a stockpile of them in your basement in the event of an emergency.
Virgo There's something the stars have been meaning to tell you about elephants, but you'll soon find out for yourself.
Libra Plastic bags can wreak havoc on the environment, especially if like you, people keep using them to suffocate trees.
Scorpio And to think you laughed when your high-school yearbook named you Most Likely To Be Responsible For The Extinction Of The Frigate Bird.
Sagittarius You'll finally become one with nature this week, thanks to a simple process known only as disintegration.
Capricorn It may be years before your coworkers treat you with respect again, but it will have been worth it for the brief time spent inside the panda suit.
Aquarius Please stop referring to your bouts of gastrointestinal flatulence as "turning on the ol' wind farm." That's not helping anyone.
Pisces You've never thought of yourself as an innovator in livestock genetics, as you have regular sex with them just like anybody else.
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