• Aries Patience will see you through life’s most harrowing times. Plus you can fake patience by just sleeping constantly.
  • Taurus For the last time: You do not have miraculous stigmata that cause you to bleed like the wounded Christ. You’ve been shot.
  • Gemini Remember, the slow cycle of sun, wind, and rain can sunder even the hardest stone, so whatever you do, don’t go outside.
  • Cancer Although Mercury is rising in Venus this week, do not worry; this is just a mystic-sounding horoscope term. No actual planetary collision is taking place.
  • Leo The stars will give you fifty bucks if you go over to that guy in the next cubicle who's always talking loudly into his hands-free device and pour scalding hot coffee into his lap.
  • Virgo Your sign is usually subject to the rule of water, but in truth, Funkadelic’s “Red Hot Mama” is what really rules.
  • Libra Don’t sink to the level of those who would drag you down with their judicious criticism. Instead, listen to those who praise you indiscriminately no matter what.
  • Scorpio It doesn’t matter if the other students approve of your “Blood on the Mats” yoga regimen. All that matters are the results.
  • Sagittarius Everything negative that happens to you this week will be a direct result of you consulting the I Ching, that fallacious oracular slut.
  • Capricorn You will be given a second chance in life this week due to your employer’s failure to comply with federal regulations regarding the mishandling of radioactive medical waste.
  • Aquarius The sun is in Virgo, the moon is in Capricorn, and Cancer is in Taurus this week. You however, are still single.
  • Pisces Few will be able to resist your charms this week, especially if you keep using those sawed-off 12-gauge charms.