Your Horoscopes - Week Of May 16, 2011 

HoroscopeEntertainment ISSUE 47•20 May 18, 2011
  • Aries You'll be pleasantly surprised by how many of your life's problems can be temporarily solved by just not paying attention.
  • Taurus Do not doubt for one second that love is real. However, your cutesy, saccharine idea of love is about as far from reality as it is possible to imagine.
  • Gemini For the last time: Just because others are getting jiggy with it does not mean society gives you permission to try and follow suit.
  • Cancer It may be true that sometimes you feel like a motherless child a long way from home, but for accuracy's sake, you should just be feeling like a self-pitying asshole.
  • Leo Although you didn't think you had any "Greatest Hits," there they are, 10 of them, for sale on cassette tape at a Knoxville-area Flying J truck stop.
  • Virgo You'll never be able to express your love for others, so take what comfort you can in your ability to express a need for more stuffed potato skins.
  • Libra You had such great plans for the future, but sadly, they depended on the invention of room- temperature fusion and you learning to get up before noon.
  • Scorpio You're not sure what you expected, but life as a cliff diver is no different from life as a data entry technician, except for all the cliff diving and the lack of data entry.
  • Sagittarius Try as you might, you won't be able to remember the name of that one movie where Henry Fonda plays a real son of a bitch.
  • Capricorn Seriously, if you keep being such a creepo to the stars' buddy Sophie, they'll have to remind you exactly who controls the meteor showers in this here cosmos.
  • Aquarius Your new job in the severe-burn ward is less fun than you'd anticipated, as it turns out the patients show up already like that.
  • Pisces It's a terrible time to travel, start a new romance, or take initiative in business matters, which is odd, zodiac-wise, as it's usually the other way around.