- Aries The presence of Jupiter in your fourth house indicates newfound personal maturity. The presence of empty pizza boxes in your first apartment, however, suggests otherwise.
- Taurus Remember: Love is more than just feelings of infatuation and attraction and lust. Usually, there's a few feet of rope also involved.
- Gemini Just when things seem to be going your way, the baboons will suddenly and violently wake up.
- Cancer Most women are attracted to power and status, but then the stars don't need to tell you that, Mr. Daytime Manager of the Court Street Baskin-Robbins.
- Leo Don't worry: They're not laughing at your repeated and costly failures. They're laughing with your repeated and costly failures.
- Virgo It will be born with ten perfect little fingers and ten perfect little toes, much to the horror of everyone at the reptile breeding center.
- Libra It's not so much your intimacy issues, or even your commitment issues that will† stand in your way. It's your Uncanny X-men issues.
- Scorpio You'd pretty much kill for the chance to start things over again, which come to think of it, is how you got yourself into this mess to begin with.
- Sagittarius There's nothing harder in the world than losing a child, especially when wagering with a full house.
- Capricorn You look handsome and dashing in you brand new suit. Now, if only a close friend or relative would die, you'd be all set.
- Aquarius Life has a way of sneaking up on you when you least expect it, which isn't surprising, considering what a complete jerk life can be.
- Pisces You'll lose your oldest and dearest friend to smoking this week, shortly after running out of cigarettes.
More Horoscope
- « Your Horoscopes - Week Of May 11 ... (May 11, 2010)
- Your Horoscopes - Week Of May 25 ... » (May 25, 2010)
Past Horoscopes
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May 22, 2012
Aries No one can argue effectively without the correct set of tools, so make sure you have a hammer in each hand. Taurus Just take things one day at a time this week, even though you're up against a race of impossibly ad...
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May 15, 2012
Aries Patience will see you through life’s most harrowing times. Plus you can fake patience by just sleeping constantly. Taurus For the last time: You do not have miraculous stigmata that cause you to bleed like th...
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May 8, 2012
Aries You've tried everything you can think of to stop yourself from gaining weight. Unfortunately, you have your best ideas while eating entire coconut-cream pies. Taurus Despite your efforts to be a modern-day hero, yo...
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May 1, 2012
Aries You will experience unbounded happiness and success in every area of your life this week, unless of course there is something fundamentally and irreversibly wrong with you. Taurus Your life story will bring much-ne...
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April 24, 2012
Aries Sex with you is an earth-shattering experience, especially the part where hundreds of Indonesians lose their lives. Taurus Your shortness of breath and wild fainting spells will be cured this week, thanks to a seri...
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April 17, 2012
Aries Your feeling of impending doom shall come to nothing again this week as the world continues to turn and your life goes on as normal. Perhaps you should consider feeling useless and stupid instead. Taurus Our survey...
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March 27, 2012
Aries This is a good time to make big moves at work, as you'll show up Monday to find all the furniture's gone and everyone has relocated to a new office somewhere outside Gary, IN. Taurus You'll experience a desire to s...
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March 20, 2012
Aries You will finally be reunited with your family when a sudden mudslide exposes their long-buried station wagon. Taurus Moses died within sight of his goals after wandering in the desert for 40 years, but you'll beat ...
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March 13, 2012
Aries Not only will romance, adventure, and thrills refuse to come to you, they will also refuse to come to theaters near you. Taurus Everyone must eventually choose between what they really must do and what they merely ...
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