• Aries No one can argue effectively without the correct set of tools, so make sure you have a hammer in each hand.
  • Taurus Just take things one day at a time this week, even though you're up against a race of impossibly advanced aliens who can move through time at will.
  • Gemini Fire and water magicks are strong in your sign this week, so maybe it's time to consider quitting your job on that offshore oil rig.
  • Cancer You will be caught utterly and completely off-guard by next week's events, causing you to wish once again that you had some sort of way to tell the future.
  • Leo While it's true you're not the brightest person around, take solace in the fact that you're not going to win any beauty contests, either.
  • Virgo Although at first it seems impossible to believe the zookeeper's story of how you were switched at birth, the fact remains that you're the only giraffe in your office.
  • Libra This week it will seem you must either tell your secret love about your feelings or die. Next week, of course, you will die.
  • Scorpio Some trouble looms at work next week when first the boss decides to fire half the staff and then those people get mad and decide to murder everybody.
  • Sagittarius No real change for your star sign this week, unless you're one of those over-sensitive types who lets it get to them when the White House explodes.
  • Capricorn After a solid decade of enduring horrifying and unrelenting psychosexual nightmares, you will finally meet the man of your dreams.
  • Aquarius You finally win the love and admiration of all American citizens now that it means exactly jack shit.
  • Pisces Seriously, if kielbasa on a roll with coleslaw and barbecue sauce isn't the best thing in the entire world, the stars would like to know just what is.