Aries Your bold, take-no-prisoners attitude has made you who you are today: one of the least successful criminal prosecutors in the country.
Taurus Despite your attempts to make it look like an accident, investigators will immediately suspect you of burning down your wife for the insurance money.
Gemini Your inquisitive nature will soon see you demanding answers to a series of questions ranging from "Huh?" to "Who the—?" and "Whazzat?
Cancer An agonizing and seemingly endless disemboweling will soon show you exactly what you're made of.
Leo You will soon meet the greatest love of your life, which, unfortunately, has less to do with the quality of the former than the brevity of the latter.
Virgo An old adage will be proven wrong this Thursday when bad things come to you in two-hundred-and-forty-threes.
Libra Your perfectionist streak will consume you this week when you attempt to posit the world's single most precise chaos theory.
Scorpio Who's to say what's right and what's wrong, except maybe for all those police officers, the presiding district court judge, and a horrified jury of your peers.
Sagittarius After decades of soul-searching and inward reflection, you'll finally realize this week that the question of God was always intended to be rhetorical.
Capricorn Despite seemingly insurmountable odds, you will once again manage to talk your way out of sounding interesting this week.
Aquarius The alignment of the stars and the planets this week can only mean one thing: You're looking at a very simplistic, two-dimensional model of our solar system.
Pisces You've never really imagined yourself as the committed type, but a state-appointed psychiatrist will soon prove you wrong.
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