• Aries It is said that the eyes are the windows to one's soul, which helps explain why so many damn birds keep flying into them.
  • Taurus When times are tough and the world around you seems grim, don't be afraid to turn to religion for a good, hearty laugh.
  • Gemini After years of disappointment, you'll suddenly realize this week that satisfying sex has always been within arm's reach.
  • Cancer You will experience debilitating pain, unspeakable agony, and the loss of all of your hair when a voodoo doll bearing your likeness falls into the hands of a 5-year-old girl.
  • Leo Long after your mind's shut down, your unconscious body will continue to have a great time on top of that trampoline.
  • Virgo You'll be torn a new asshole this week by some of the top reconstructive surgeons in the country.
  • Libra Covered only partially in Vaseline and shrieking nearly coherent obscenities about the Jews, you'll soon be amazed by the amount of progress you've made in therapy.
  • Scorpio You'll be shocked this week by the lengths some people are prepared to go to just to escape from a burning textiles factory.
  • Sagittarius Remember: You can only run away from your problems for so long before they catch up to you, tackle you, drag you into a nearby alley, and ultimately slit your throat.
  • Capricorn Being a Trojan quality-control tester might be the best job in the world, but you'll soon leave it all behind to spend more time with your 87 children.
  • Aquarius You will be fired this week from your job at Staples just for taking home a bunch of office supplies.
  • Pisces So ashamed will you be about falling down the stairs that you'll lie to friends and family, telling them your husband beat you instead.