Your Horoscopes — Week Of May 6, 2014

HoroscopeEntertainment ISSUE 50•18 May 6, 2014
  • Aries After taxes, overhead, and legal fees, that million-dollar idea you've been working on for years will wind up costing you several thousand dollars.
  • Taurus You'll finally realize a dream you've had since childhood when a huge scary monster comes out from under your bed and eats you all up.
  • Gemini The reason for your recent crises of conscience becomes clear this week when you realize the angel from your right shoulder and the devil from your left have been sleeping together for a year now.
  • Cancer Next week won't be the best you've ever had, but it will advance medical understanding of genital implosion by leaps and bounds.
  • Leo A good friend will be a pillar of strength and selflessly support you in a harrowing crisis. Show your appreciation by sending them a note that says "Thanks for your support."
  • Virgo You'll continue to get away with your horrendous crimes against humanity without suffering consequences, although they will eventually get you for the tax evasion.
  • Libra You won't be absolutely certain you like the changes in yourself, especially as you'll appeal to a whole new group of people, after they make a 12" dance remix or you.
  • Scorpio There's nothing wrong with being a belt-and-suspenders-type, but you should probably reconsider being a leather-shorts-and-no-shirt type as well.
  • Sagittarius The FDA will realize their mistake too late to prevent your death after they accidentally name you as part of a complete breakfast.
  • Capricorn You'll realize that you hallucinated that everyone was wearing business casual all weekend, which explains why Hallowe'en was so awkward this year.
  • Aquarius Romance will once again pass you by when the love of your life decides to go with a person who makes better mixtapes.
  • Pisces You will get a reasonably good deal on a necessary household item, which is frankly more than an asshole like you deserves.