Your Horoscopes – Week of May 8, 2012

HoroscopeEntertainment ISSUE 48•19 May 8, 2012
  • Aries You've tried everything you can think of to stop yourself from gaining weight. Unfortunately, you have your best ideas while eating entire coconut-cream pies.
  • Taurus Despite your efforts to be a modern-day hero, you will slowly develop into a postmodern-era Internet meme.
  • Gemini You’ve delivered babies, made passionate love, and built up your own business, but you'll finally encounter a problem you can't solve with your fists.
  • Cancer You will learn through bitter experience why there’s no Book Of Doug in the Bible.
  • Leo Leos are known for their forgiving and compassionate nature, which is probably why you keep getting screwed with your pants on.
  • Virgo Your insatiable need to be the center of attention leads to your becoming loathed and shunned, except by the millions of fans of your TV show.
  • Libra You will soon encounter a strapping, sexy authority figure, but be wary: In the early stages of the relationship, it's better to just let him give you the speeding ticket.
  • Scorpio Although you’ve tried to be a decent person, that will eventually wind up making everything that much funnier to observers.
  • Sagittarius Jupiter has entered your sign, which is usually great, but this time he'll stay for at least a week longer than is comfortable, use up all your clean towels and toilet paper, and never offer to pay for a damn thing.
  • Capricorn While it's true you often sit AROUND the house, this has little to do with your weight.
  • Aquarius You're not the kind of person who is afraid of a little hard work, which in today's corporate world means you're pretty much fucked.
  • Pisces When you said in a fit of despair that “everyone hates” you, you forgot about Tammy. If anything, she likes you a little too much for comfort.