Aries You've tried everything you can think of to stop yourself from gaining weight. Unfortunately, you have your best ideas while eating entire coconut-cream pies.
Taurus Despite your efforts to be a modern-day hero, you will slowly develop into a postmodern-era Internet meme.
Gemini You’ve delivered babies, made passionate love, and built up your own business, but you'll finally encounter a problem you can't solve with your fists.
Cancer You will learn through bitter experience why there’s no Book Of Doug in the Bible.
Leo Leos are known for their forgiving and compassionate nature, which is probably why you keep getting screwed with your pants on.
Virgo Your insatiable need to be the center of attention leads to your becoming loathed and shunned, except by the millions of fans of your TV show.
Libra You will soon encounter a strapping, sexy authority figure, but be wary: In the early stages of the relationship, it's better to just let him give you the speeding ticket.
Scorpio Although you’ve tried to be a decent person, that will eventually wind up making everything that much funnier to observers.
Sagittarius Jupiter has entered your sign, which is usually great, but this time he'll stay for at least a week longer than is comfortable, use up all your clean towels and toilet paper, and never offer to pay for a damn thing.
Capricorn While it's true you often sit AROUND the house, this has little to do with your weight.
Aquarius You're not the kind of person who is afraid of a little hard work, which in today's corporate world means you're pretty much fucked.
Pisces When you said in a fit of despair that “everyone hates” you, you forgot about Tammy. If anything, she likes you a little too much for comfort.