- Aries Next week will see you at the front of a ragtag band of orphans, but that shouldn't surprise you, as you've been running the world's shabbiest orphanage for years now.
- Taurus You've always wanted to become a local legend, so please enjoy your fame as The Guy Who Smoked at the Gas Station and Everyone in the Next Town Thought Was a Meteor.
- Gemini You'll reach your sexual peak tomorrow afternoon, surprising yourself almost more than the woman who owns the dachshunds.
- Cancer We can't control who we fall in love with, but you're set to change all that with your new invention, the Love Controller 2.0.
- Leo You may be getting used to it and it may be more comfortable than you would have guessed, but there's always the possibility that someone will come along and turn the electric chair on.
- Virgo Just when you finally get everything exactly the way you want it, you'll decide you liked the world a lot better when it had people in it.
- Libra If there's a moral to your story, you have yet to figure out what it is, which is pretty pathetic considering what that mouse went through to get the thorn out of your paw.
- Scorpio You've thought about titling your autobiography Untamed, but that might give away how you suffered all those bear-, tiger, and lion- related injuries.
- Sagittarius Things have been looking dire, but you'll soon learn that a sponsorship deal with a local sausage company will fund you through 2012.
- Capricorn This is a good week for romance in the workplace, which is troubling for you and everyone else at the monastery.
- Aquarius The workings of the human heart have always been a mystery to you, but you'll soon figure it out thanks to a handy instructional pamphlet featuring a friendly cowboy.
- Pisces You'll continue to struggle with your efforts to truly know yourself, but after being chased off every doorstep on the street, you'll be pretty sure you're not the milkman.
More Horoscope
- « Your Horoscopes - Week Of October 25 ... (October 25, 2011)
- Your Horoscopes - Week Of November 29 ... » (November 1, 2011)
Past Horoscopes
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May 22, 2012
Aries No one can argue effectively without the correct set of tools, so make sure you have a hammer in each hand. Taurus Just take things one day at a time this week, even though you're up against a race of impossibly ad...
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May 15, 2012
Aries Patience will see you through life’s most harrowing times. Plus you can fake patience by just sleeping constantly. Taurus For the last time: You do not have miraculous stigmata that cause you to bleed like th...
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May 8, 2012
Aries You've tried everything you can think of to stop yourself from gaining weight. Unfortunately, you have your best ideas while eating entire coconut-cream pies. Taurus Despite your efforts to be a modern-day hero, yo...
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May 1, 2012
Aries You will experience unbounded happiness and success in every area of your life this week, unless of course there is something fundamentally and irreversibly wrong with you. Taurus Your life story will bring much-ne...
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April 24, 2012
Aries Sex with you is an earth-shattering experience, especially the part where hundreds of Indonesians lose their lives. Taurus Your shortness of breath and wild fainting spells will be cured this week, thanks to a seri...
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April 17, 2012
Aries Your feeling of impending doom shall come to nothing again this week as the world continues to turn and your life goes on as normal. Perhaps you should consider feeling useless and stupid instead. Taurus Our survey...
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March 27, 2012
Aries This is a good time to make big moves at work, as you'll show up Monday to find all the furniture's gone and everyone has relocated to a new office somewhere outside Gary, IN. Taurus You'll experience a desire to s...
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March 20, 2012
Aries You will finally be reunited with your family when a sudden mudslide exposes their long-buried station wagon. Taurus Moses died within sight of his goals after wandering in the desert for 40 years, but you'll beat ...
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March 13, 2012
Aries Not only will romance, adventure, and thrills refuse to come to you, they will also refuse to come to theaters near you. Taurus Everyone must eventually choose between what they really must do and what they merely ...
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