• Aries It's not so much your intimacy issues, or even your commitment issues that will stand in your way. It's your Uncanny X-men issues.
  • Taurus You'll lose your oldest and dearest friend to smoking this week, shortly after running out of cigarettes.
  • Gemini Life has a way of sneaking up on you when you least expect it, which isn't surprising, considering what a complete jerk life can be.
  • Cancer You look handsome and dashing in your brand new suit. Now, if only a close friend or relative would die, you'd be all set.
  • Leo There's nothing harder in the world than losing a child, especially when wagering with a full house.
  • Virgo You'd pretty much kill for the chance to start things over again, which come to think of it, is how you got yourself into this mess to begin with.
  • Libra It will be born with ten perfect little fingers and ten perfect little toes, much to the horror of everyone at the reptile breeding center.
  • Scorpio Don't worry: They're not laughing at your repeated and costly failures. They're laughing with your repeated and costly failures.
  • Sagittarius Most women are attracted to power and status, but then the stars don't need to tell you that, Mr. General Manager of the Court Street Baskin-Robbins.
  • Capricorn Just when things seem to be going your way, the baboons will suddenly and violently wake up.
  • Aquarius Remember: Love is more than just feelings of infatuation and attraction and lust. Usually, there's a few feet of rope also involved.
  • Pisces The presence of Jupiter in your fourth house indicates newfound personal maturity. The presence of empty pizza boxes in your first apartment, however, suggests otherwise.