Aries The stars foretell of a mad prophet rising in the east in the moon's next cycle. They hope this somehow helps you with your life.
Taurus No one will be able to describe your death without using a lot of violent hand gestures, making whooping sounds, and generally doing his or her best "angry chimp" imitation.
Gemini You have failed in your life's goal, but don't feel too bad: Of all the people who dream of working at a fast food restaurant, only 98 percent actually make it.
Cancer Don't waste time developing a healthy body image, as your body will look a hell of a lot different starting Thursday.
Leo Turns out your nightmarish descent into alcoholism and drug abuse will be a lot more fun than expected.
Virgo The events of next week will closely mirror all the other events in your life up to that point.
Libra Your natural resourcefulness allows you to enjoy father-daughter day at the zoo, though you are neither a father nor a daughter, and you can't stand animals.
Scorpio Do not believe those who tell you they can see your future. They are merely preying upon your ignorant, fearful, superstitious nature.
Sagittarius Your decision to take up bicycling will cause many in your area to rethink their call for increased bicycle safety.
Capricorn You'll finally find yourself in a relationship that may not end with you asking the other person if they'd like a bag for that.
Aquarius Though your birthday falls into the correct range of dates, the stars say you are not actually an Aquarius. In fact, they are pretty sure you're an asshole.
Pisces You thought your new sports car could do everything but love you, so its declaration of devotion will come as quite a shock.
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