- Aries An in-depth study will reveal that, contrary to popular belief, bedbugs are great and you are the problem.
- Taurus You'll once again get into a public shouting match at an upscale bistro this week over what is and is not in fact gangsta.
- Gemini Somehow it just seems unfair that several famous people will make hundreds of dollars after picking you in next week's Mundane Individual Dead Pool.
- Cancer Nothing of note will happen to you this week, as the dozens of people you'll tell about it will be able to attest.
- Leo Venus rising in your sign sounds like a welcome harbinger of romantic good tidings, but the zodiac assures you it's merely decorative.
- Virgo The largest meteorite ever to hit a person was about 45 pounds, making you a posthumous shoo-in for the record next Wednesday.
- Libra The universal redshift indicates that the stars are flying away from us at astounding velocities. Perhaps it is more accurate to say "from you."
- Scorpio The stars are tired of politely nodding when you say you're single because you're "too picky." You're 25 pounds overweight and, frankly, the body odor is getting out of hand.
- Sagittarius They say God never gives us more than we can handle, which must mean He knows a way you can handle a swarm of hyperaggressive Africanized bees.
- Capricorn Before making any important business decisions next week, ask yourself if you're using the same decision-making criteria that sent you to prison.
- Aquarius You'll undergo the kind of stress that would break a lesser woman and that will cause whatever kind of woman you are to shatter into a coarse powder.
- Pisces Your dreams will all come true next week, including the ones you have thus far mercifully forgotten upon waking.
More Horoscope
- « Your Horoscopes - Week Of October 26 ... (October 26, 2010)
- Your Horoscopes - Week Of November 9 ... » (November 9, 2010)
Past Horoscopes
-
May 22, 2012
Aries No one can argue effectively without the correct set of tools, so make sure you have a hammer in each hand. Taurus Just take things one day at a time this week, even though you're up against a race of impossibly ad...
-
May 15, 2012
Aries Patience will see you through life’s most harrowing times. Plus you can fake patience by just sleeping constantly. Taurus For the last time: You do not have miraculous stigmata that cause you to bleed like th...
-
May 8, 2012
Aries You've tried everything you can think of to stop yourself from gaining weight. Unfortunately, you have your best ideas while eating entire coconut-cream pies. Taurus Despite your efforts to be a modern-day hero, yo...
-
May 1, 2012
Aries You will experience unbounded happiness and success in every area of your life this week, unless of course there is something fundamentally and irreversibly wrong with you. Taurus Your life story will bring much-ne...
-
April 24, 2012
Aries Sex with you is an earth-shattering experience, especially the part where hundreds of Indonesians lose their lives. Taurus Your shortness of breath and wild fainting spells will be cured this week, thanks to a seri...
-
April 17, 2012
Aries Your feeling of impending doom shall come to nothing again this week as the world continues to turn and your life goes on as normal. Perhaps you should consider feeling useless and stupid instead. Taurus Our survey...
-
March 27, 2012
Aries This is a good time to make big moves at work, as you'll show up Monday to find all the furniture's gone and everyone has relocated to a new office somewhere outside Gary, IN. Taurus You'll experience a desire to s...
-
March 20, 2012
Aries You will finally be reunited with your family when a sudden mudslide exposes their long-buried station wagon. Taurus Moses died within sight of his goals after wandering in the desert for 40 years, but you'll beat ...
-
March 13, 2012
Aries Not only will romance, adventure, and thrills refuse to come to you, they will also refuse to come to theaters near you. Taurus Everyone must eventually choose between what they really must do and what they merely ...
Recent News »
-
NRA Sets 1,000 Killed In School Shooting As Amount It Would Take For Them To Reconsider Much Of Anything
-
Romney To Undergo Gender Reassignment Surgery To Better Connect With Women Voters
-
Biden To Honor Fallen Soldiers By Jumping Motorcycle Over Vietnam Memorial
-
Quiet Temp Actually Very Untalented Singer-Songwriter
-
Kennedy Family Releases List Of Tragic Ways Remaining Members Could Die
-
Scientists Find Thousands Of Previously Undiscovered Species Cowering In Amazon Rainforest
-
Alabama School System's Lone Textbook Falling Apart
-
Fleet Of Ambulances On Hand For 41-Year-Olds' Touch Football Game
