• Aries They say the journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step, but as far as you're concerned, crap like that is for people who can get out of bed.
  • Taurus Your significant other has always been the never-say-die type, but that doesn't mean he doesn't think it at you about two dozen times a day.
  • Gemini The stars are just going to go out on a limb here and say you're tired of turkey sandwiches.
  • Cancer You'll get the kind of bad news that's best shared with those closest to you, but unfortunately, you don't really know them that well.
  • Leo It occurs to you that the best and most practical way for you to follow your dreams is to spend most of your time asleep.
  • Virgo You have problems that can only be solved by years of therapy and perhaps even medication, but by all means, continue to think it's because you haven't met the right girl yet.
  • Libra You thought whale-watching sounded harmless enough, but now that they've decided to watch you back, it's really starting to become a problem.
  • Scorpio You'll be mesmerized by the simple beauty of a grand-piano-shaped shadow that somehow just keeps getting bigger all around you.
  • Sagittarius You'll regret your decision to stop and help a kitten you've hit with your car after the furry little bastard sues you for all your worth.
  • Capricorn The other entrants will complain that your prosthetic actually gives you an advantage in competition, which sounds insensitive, but hey, that's the Sex Olympics for you.
  • Aquarius You'll finally make peace with your estranged father next week, but only at the cost of a healthy self-image and most of your dignity.
  • Pisces You will soon become obsessed with disproving the long-standing assertion regarding the impossibility of roller-skating in buffalo herds.