- Aries They say the journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step, but as far as you're concerned, crap like that is for people who can get out of bed.
- Taurus Your significant other has always been the never-say-die type, but that doesn't mean he doesn't think it at you about two dozen times a day.
- Gemini The stars are just going to go out on a limb here and say you're tired of turkey sandwiches.
- Cancer You'll get the kind of bad news that's best shared with those closest to you, but unfortunately, you don't really know them that well.
- Leo It occurs to you that the best and most practical way for you to follow your dreams is to spend most of your time asleep.
- Virgo You have problems that can only be solved by years of therapy and perhaps even medication, but by all means, continue to think it's because you haven't met the right girl yet.
- Libra You thought whale-watching sounded harmless enough, but now that they've decided to watch you back, it's really starting to become a problem.
- Scorpio You'll be mesmerized by the simple beauty of a grand-piano-shaped shadow that somehow just keeps getting bigger all around you.
- Sagittarius You'll regret your decision to stop and help a kitten you've hit with your car after the furry little bastard sues you for all your worth.
- Capricorn The other entrants will complain that your prosthetic actually gives you an advantage in competition, which sounds insensitive, but hey, that's the Sex Olympics for you.
- Aquarius You'll finally make peace with your estranged father next week, but only at the cost of a healthy self-image and most of your dignity.
- Pisces You will soon become obsessed with disproving the long-standing assertion regarding the impossibility of roller-skating in buffalo herds.
More Horoscope
- « Your Horoscopes - Week Of November 1 ... (November 1, 2011)
- Your Horoscopes - Week Of November 8 ... » (November 8, 2011)
Past Horoscopes
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May 22, 2012
Aries No one can argue effectively without the correct set of tools, so make sure you have a hammer in each hand. Taurus Just take things one day at a time this week, even though you're up against a race of impossibly ad...
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May 15, 2012
Aries Patience will see you through life’s most harrowing times. Plus you can fake patience by just sleeping constantly. Taurus For the last time: You do not have miraculous stigmata that cause you to bleed like th...
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May 8, 2012
Aries You've tried everything you can think of to stop yourself from gaining weight. Unfortunately, you have your best ideas while eating entire coconut-cream pies. Taurus Despite your efforts to be a modern-day hero, yo...
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May 1, 2012
Aries You will experience unbounded happiness and success in every area of your life this week, unless of course there is something fundamentally and irreversibly wrong with you. Taurus Your life story will bring much-ne...
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April 24, 2012
Aries Sex with you is an earth-shattering experience, especially the part where hundreds of Indonesians lose their lives. Taurus Your shortness of breath and wild fainting spells will be cured this week, thanks to a seri...
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April 17, 2012
Aries Your feeling of impending doom shall come to nothing again this week as the world continues to turn and your life goes on as normal. Perhaps you should consider feeling useless and stupid instead. Taurus Our survey...
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March 27, 2012
Aries This is a good time to make big moves at work, as you'll show up Monday to find all the furniture's gone and everyone has relocated to a new office somewhere outside Gary, IN. Taurus You'll experience a desire to s...
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March 20, 2012
Aries You will finally be reunited with your family when a sudden mudslide exposes their long-buried station wagon. Taurus Moses died within sight of his goals after wandering in the desert for 40 years, but you'll beat ...
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March 13, 2012
Aries Not only will romance, adventure, and thrills refuse to come to you, they will also refuse to come to theaters near you. Taurus Everyone must eventually choose between what they really must do and what they merely ...
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