Aries A shocking revelation will shake you to the core of your being this week, which is odd, because it's merely the fact that the Doobie Brothers aren't actual brothers.
Taurus Betrayal, treason, and vile cal-umny will be the order of things next week, which you must admit, sounds a lot cooler than the light office work you're used to.
Gemini Although you always thought you'd be forced to mature when you had children, it turns out you fathered a son years ago and nothing's changed.
Cancer You've always described yourself as someone who hates long goodbyes, but you've been standing on the edge of that bridge for three days now.
Leo While it's true only God can judge you, you're making it pretty easy for Him to decide you're a jackass.
Virgo Your deep-seated belief that there is meaning and purpose to the universe will be sorely tested this week, but only by the usual crap that always happens.
Libra Trying to eat healthier and exercise more is admirable, but only when combined with not running blindly into traffic out of sheer depression.
Scorpio After pondering what truly separates man from the animals, you're pretty sure that whatever it is should really be between you and the slavering wolverine.
Sagittarius You'll be reduced to a caricature this week, but at least it's the cool one where you smash through a glass coffee table while coked out of your mind.
Capricorn You may not be an expert on which snakes are poisonous and which aren't, but damn it, you know a cuddly one when you see it.
Aquarius Mars rising in your sign this week means it's already November, and you've spent the past four months in an alcoholic haze.
Pisces You'll learn a valuable lesson about sharing this week, proving the effectiveness of hiring a top-rated sharing instructor.
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