• Aries A shocking revelation will shake you to the core of your being this week, which is odd, because it's merely the fact that the Doobie Brothers aren't actual brothers.
  • Taurus Betrayal, treason, and vile cal-umny will be the order of things next week, which you must admit, sounds a lot cooler than the light office work you're used to.
  • Gemini Although you always thought you'd be forced to mature when you had children, it turns out you fathered a son years ago and nothing's changed.
  • Cancer You've always described yourself as someone who hates long goodbyes, but you've been standing on the edge of that bridge for three days now.
  • Leo While it's true only God can judge you, you're making it pretty easy for Him to decide you're a jackass.
  • Virgo Your deep-seated belief that there is meaning and purpose to the universe will be sorely tested this week, but only by the usual crap that always happens.
  • Libra Trying to eat healthier and exercise more is admirable, but only when combined with not running blindly into traffic out of sheer depression.
  • Scorpio After pondering what truly separates man from the animals, you're pretty sure that whatever it is should really be between you and the slavering wolverine.
  • Sagittarius You'll be reduced to a caricature this week, but at least it's the cool one where you smash through a glass coffee table while coked out of your mind.
  • Capricorn You may not be an expert on which snakes are poisonous and which aren't, but damn it, you know a cuddly one when you see it.
  • Aquarius Mars rising in your sign this week means it's already November, and you've spent the past four months in an alcoholic haze.
  • Pisces You'll learn a valuable lesson about sharing this week, proving the effectiveness of hiring a top-rated sharing instructor.