Aries Your life is about to get a whole lot easier. Unfortunately, the same thing can’t be said for your live-in nurse.
Taurus Pain will be yours this week when that Man from Nantucket finally hears all the terrible things you’ve been writing about him.
Gemini If you had a dollar for every time a gorgeous woman invited you back to her place, you probably wouldn’t be saving for that prostitute right about now.
Cancer The kinds of changes that await you this week can be readily found within the pages of most high school chemistry books.
Leo You will once again lie to your dentist about brushing three times a day, flossing regularly, and not sleeping with his wife at the nearby motel every other Tuesday.
Virgo Humiliation will be yours this week when astronomers discover four large satellites orbiting around you.
Libra Sure, smoking won’t make you look cool, but at least it’ll give you an excuse for being so incredibly lame.
Scorpio You’ll put yourself through college by stripping, which wouldn’t be so bad if you were doing it for the tuition money rather than the classroom grades.
Sagittarius An attempt at composing the perfect love sonnet will fail time and again this week when you fall for a girl named Orange.
Capricorn Curiosity will kill the cat this week, though the microwave, duct tape, and Tupperware container will be mostly to blame.
Aquarius Like a river that has, due to a number of environmental changes, begun to run dry, so too will your life become strained and hard to parse.
Pisces There’s just something about women you find completely irresistible. Probably their reproductive organs.
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