Your Horoscopes - Week Of November 8, 2012

HoroscopeEntertainment ISSUE 48•45 Nov 8, 2012
  • Aries Your life is about to get a whole lot easier. Unfortunately, the same thing can’t be said for your live-in nurse.
  • Taurus Pain will be yours this week when that Man from Nantucket finally hears all the terrible things you’ve been writing about him.
  • Gemini If you had a dollar for every time a gorgeous woman invited you back to her place, you probably wouldn’t be saving for that prostitute right about now.
  • Cancer The kinds of changes that await you this week can be readily found within the pages of most high school chemistry books.
  • Leo You will once again lie to your dentist about brushing three times a day, flossing regularly, and not sleeping with his wife at the nearby motel every other Tuesday.
  • Virgo Humiliation will be yours this week when astronomers discover four large satellites orbiting around you.
  • Libra Sure, smoking won’t make you look cool, but at least it’ll give you an excuse for being so incredibly lame.
  • Scorpio You’ll put yourself through college by stripping, which wouldn’t be so bad if you were doing it for the tuition money rather than the classroom grades.
  • Sagittarius An attempt at composing the perfect love sonnet will fail time and again this week when you fall for a girl named Orange.
  • Capricorn Curiosity will kill the cat this week, though the microwave, duct tape, and Tupperware container will be mostly to blame.
  • Aquarius Like a river that has, due to a number of environmental changes, begun to run dry, so too will your life become strained and hard to parse.
  • Pisces There’s just something about women you find completely irresistible. Probably their reproductive organs.